Listen up, mainlanders... Just 'cause you put pineapple in it, doesn't mean you've created a Hawaiian dish! You put pineapple on your pizza. So what? Now it's Pineapple Pizza. It AIN'T Hawaiian Pizza, and I don't care what Papa Johns says. Your chicken dish has green bell peppers and terriyaki sauce and pineapple chunks. It's not Waikiki Chicken! It's Terriyaki Chicken with Pineapples and Green Bell Peppers! Yeah, yeah, the pineapple symbolizes hospitality and aloha...but it ...

Xavier is a very industrious child and very interested in justice, in our household and elsewhere. Therefore, it only made sense that he would come up with a very detailed discipline chart and request that Adrian and I implement these new rules that he'd worked so hard to reason out. The top of the chart has drawings on him and of his brother, each with five stars (with boxes for check marks above them) that lead to a drawing of a piece of candy labeled "treat." Five instances of go...

So I've been called a flirt. I don't mean to do it. I don't even really consider it flirting. It's just being friendly and chipper. Hell, I do it with women, too. What is flirting? Is flirting wrong when you're in a committed relationship? Is THIS flirting? My husband and I are in Blockbuster, looking for the movie Holes. I am in an aisle alone, and I look up to see a friendly looking Blockbuster employee. He smiles and asks, "Is there anything I can help you with?" I smi...

Men, have you spent many a sleepless night wondering exactly what numerically quantified value you are to the opposite sex? Women, do you wish you could give your man a report card? The solution is finally here! It's the Male Scale, a scientifically proven method to rate a man's attractiveness, sensitivity, and usefulness, and for a limited time, it's yours free! To use the Male Scale, simply answer the questions (men answer for themselves, women answer for their husbands or partners) a...

Wouldn't you like to sleep in this bad mofo? It's a couple of years old and has lived through some rough "missions," but I still think my boys' bunk bed is just about the coolest thing ever.

This might have been one of my favorite fourth of Julys ever, and that's something, coming from a Texan. We had a spectacular view of the firework display from the boys' playroom upstairs. We opened up their window and gathered around and watched the fireworks. It was incredible. It was so nice to be together as a family, with the boys chattering excitedly and Adrian running his hand over my back as we took in the view. The fireworks were just...wow. Red, white, and blue. Purpl...

It's been said that my house is boring. Tortuously boring, even. With that in mind, I have come up with a humane alternative to Gitmo. Our terrorist's day will start at 7:30 am, when he crawls out of his bed (which ironically, is a bunk bed that looks just like a military vehicle, you'd just have to see it), and searches through his drawers for clean clothes. He'll find clean underwear plus a t-shirt or shorts. He'll never find both. Mr. Terrorist will have to come down the stai...

I get in trouble for saying it. I suppose it's annoying. "Uh oh. I have The Pizza Sickness." "No you don't. There's no such thing as the pizza sickness. Stop saying that." But it's true. I'm sure there's some logical explanation for it. It probably has a name (besides The Pizza Sickness, that is). Everytime I eat a lot of pizza (actually, everytime I eat pizza I eat a lot of pizza, but anyways), I inevitably end up insanely thirsty. After two (ok, three or four) slice...

My dress came today. Mailed all the way from Hong Kong. I excitedly tore open the brown paper bag it came in with my bare hands. The dress was sealed in a clear plastic bag, and I ripped that one open with my teeth, and then I bounded up the stairs to try the dress on. The dress is beautiful. Very detailed and feminine. It even has little sparkles that manage to dust everything it touches. I stepped into the dress and pulled the top up over my chest. I started zipping the dress ...

For the eleven months that Adrian was deployed, I became accustomed to doing everything around the house by myself. I searched the cabinets to see what we had on hand. I made a menu. I used that menu to create a grocery list. I took the list, and the kids, to the store. I selected the items on my list and maybe two or three impulse items. I kept the little one out of the cash register behind us and the big one from kicking his brother while I placed every single item on the belt...

Dear Elementary School Staff, I am writing this letter to explain the reason for my son's absence from school today. I have kept him home due to a disturbing home accident that took place this morning. At ten til 8, my husband poured himself a bowl of Coca Puffs. He added milk and returned the milk carton to the refrigerator. Because he was in a hurry, he shut the fridge door hard and fast and began to walk to the dining room to eat his cereal. A bottle of Raspberry Pucker was s...

Well, JU is filled with Episode III reviews with all sorts of takes on the content and script and the acting and the message of the film. There's simply nothing more that can be said about Episode III, right? There's no more room for yet another review, is there? Well, if Texas Wahine hasn't covered it, it simply hasn't been covered! This will be a bit random, so try to hang with me... I thought this was by far the best of the prequels. It actually made sense, and it helped me und...

It's been said that becoming fat does not happen overnight. It's a carefully cultivated art that takes place one meal, one snack, one night sacked out on the couch at a time. In today's America, reaching the pinnacle of fatness is easier than ever. In fact, there's actually a fast track to fatness that requires little effort on the part of the eater and provides great success and fleshy abundance in a very small period of time. Now, I'm no skinny little thing. I enjoy fries and Snick...

Victoria's Secret is about boobs, yes? Not strictly boobs, but boob adornment is a large part of what they're about. And yet, when my breasts need Victoria's Secret, VS abandons them. I have large breasts. Not "oh my god!" breasts. "Wow," maybe, but nothing you won't see in a Wal-Mart or Home Depot or Gold's Gym or Red Lobster or Hooters anywhere in America. Breasts like mine are common. So why is it that bra-makers worldwide have conspired to force me and my stacked sisters into u...

As it turns out, I am a Jedi. In fact, I am: NEABR SULEF of the planet Zoloft! Yes, NEABR SULEF of the planet Zoloft ! Great, isn't it? You can find your Jedi name here !