Men, have you spent many a sleepless night wondering exactly what numerically quantified value you are to the opposite sex? Women, do you wish you could give your man a report card? The solution is finally here! It's the Male Scale, a scientifically proven method to rate a man's attractiveness, sensitivity, and usefulness, and for a limited time, it's yours free!
To use the Male Scale, simply answer the questions (men answer for themselves, women answer for their husbands or partners) and tally up the points you earn and lose based on your answers. A detailed analysis of your results is available*, also at no cost, at the bottom of the questionnaire. So, what are you waiting for? Don't delay! Find out your numerical worthiness today!
1. Do you put the toilet seat back down?
If yes, +10 pts.
If no, -10 pts.
2. Dirty pans are the to the dishwasher as stinky socks are to the _________.
a. arm of the couch -5 pts.
b. laundry basket +5 pts.
c. washing machine (along with some more like items, some detergent, and some knob turning) +20 pts.
d. the floor by the bed - 3 pts.
3. Is your profession considered noble, high-paying, or valuable to society?
If yes, +10 pts.
If no, but you actually have a job, +5 pts.
If you're a househusband, +5 pts. (and imagine the sound of a whip cracking)
4. Have you ever given a child a bath and played super-robot-underwater-battle-vs-squeaky-octopus-toy?
If yes, +7 pts.
If you don't have kids, but you know you would if you had some, +5 pts.
5. Do you have frequent bouts of noxious flatulence that often occur in bookstores and movie theaters?
If yes, -3 pts.
6. Can I get tickets to the gun show?
If yes, +5 pts.
7. How often do you cook for your family (where cooking is anything that requires use of the oven and/or stove)?
a. once a week or more, +10 pts.
b. two or three times a month, +5 pts.
c. only when your wife is tired and you have the time and inclination, +3 pts.
d. never, -3 pts.
8 a. Are you too sexy for your shirt?
If yes, +5 pts.
8 b. Did you hang it back up or put it in the laundry when you became too sexy for it?
If yes, +5 pts.
9. Do you talk to your mother-in-law?
If yes, and she called you, +10 pts.
If yes, and you called her, -5 pts.
If yes, and you called her a witch or described something she wore once as a "frog suit," -10 pts.
10. Have you ever given your wife a back rub that didn't lead to sex?
If yes, +5 pts.
If no, +10 pts.
If you don't give back rubs, -15 pts., and poke yourself in the eye
11 a. Have you ever rubbed her tummy when she had cramps?
If yes, +10 pts.
11 b. Have you ever purchased tampons, pads, and/or vaginal creams for your wife?
If yes, +20 pts.
11 c. Which of the following does she need during her period?
a. pickles and ice cream and foot rubs, -5 pts.
b. chocolate and vodka and ear lobe massages, +0 pts.
c. chocolate and salty potato chips and for you to alternate between snuggling and loving her and getting the hell away from her, +10 pts.
12. Do you kill spiders?
If yes, +3 pts.
If you make her or one of the children do it, -5 pts.
13. Do you have moobs?
If yes, -5 pts.
If yes, and they're bigger than hers, -10 pts.
14. Have you ever told your wife that "Angelina Jolie just doesn't do it for me"?
If yes, +5 pts (and liars go to hell)
If no, but you did go on and on about how hot Miss Jolie is, -10 pts.
15 a. Do you let her finish first?
If yes, +10 pts.
15 b. If weren't sure if I meant sex or a shared dessert and the answer to both is yes, +20 pts.
16. Do you wear black socks with shorts?
If yes, -7 pts. (it's a pretty bad offense)
17. Did Steel Magnolias make you cry?
If no, -2 pts.
If yes, +5 pts. (pussy)
18. Do those jeans make her butt look big?
"No, you look great in everything, baby. I love you in those jeans." +10 pts.
"You look fine." -5 pts.
"No, your butt makes your butt look big." -30 pts.
19. Did you lavish your wife with one or more of the following?
a. huge, expensive diamond, +15 pts.
b. a fully loaded SUV with a custom vanity plate (you have to be making the payments on it), +15 pts.
c. a single clothing item worth more than $500, +15 pts
d. material gifts cheapen love, -15 pts.
20. Do you let your wife pluck your monobrow?
If yes, +10 pts.
If no, but you don't get monobrow, +5 pts. (like I'm going to believe that you don't get monobrow)
So, how did you do? Having problems with basic math? There should be a calculator on your computer. If not, use your fingers.
Results:
200 - 240 -- A god among men -- you make Brad Pitt look like Steve Urkel
100 - 199 -- A great, if slightly flawed, catch
50 - 99 -- She's not mad at you because she's jealous of your big hooters -- stop being an inconsiderate jerk
1 -49 -- Children recoil in horror at your hideousness
Negatives -- Wow. Wow. You suck.
*Creater of quiz not responsible for any incongruity between points available and results summary. Creator of quiz only took one math course in college and got a C in it.