I Didn't Have Kids So I Could Beat Them

Published on March 27, 2007 By Texas Wahine In Blogging

It's no secret that I don't believe in spanking.

There are times when my children piss me off so severely that it sure would be satisfying to give them a smack on the behind, but I don't discipline to make myself feel better. I discipline to raise secure, happy, competent, considerate children.

Therefore, what would make *me* feel better when my child spills Cocoa Puffs all over the kitchen floor (and leaves them there as if there are some magic cereal fairies who clean these things up) does not enter into the equation.

I am a mother. Being a mother is something unique and wonderful. I've never been a father so I don't know what that feels like.

I do know what it feels like to go from just me, to literally sharing my body with another human being. I know what fetal hiccups feel like and I know what it feels like to be awakened in the middle of the night by a baby rolling around inside me. I know what it's like to give birth and see a baby's head poking through and feel that unstoppable pressure and that uncontrollable urge to push. I know what it's like to feel those little shoulders and that long little slippery body slide out of my own. From nursing and umbilical cord stump care to sticky high chairs and plastic dinosaurs hidden under couch cushions to school Christmas programs and markers scattered all over the floor to CD players and Mad Magazine for Kids, I know how special it is to be a mother.

It is a joy and a struggle like no other.

And I am charged with not only making sure these little people survive and are nurtured and not harmed, but also with making sure they learn the things they need to know to thrive when they reach adulthood and I can no longer protect and care for them. They are not like a lump of clay for me to mold into what I desire. Children enter the world with personalities and unique desires and their own specific potentials and deficiencies.

I get to discover my children like an explorer stepping foot on a foreign and exotic land.

As I learn about them and as I make a connection with them and nurture them and know them in the very intimate and special way only an involved and loving mother can, I begin to understand them. And they begin to trust me and understand that I am there to care for them and help them make choices that benefit them; we have established discipline.

I didn't invest so much of myself into motherhood and raising children just to lazily and angrily beat them for childhood infractions. Parenthood is not a contest or a power struggle of parent versus child. Parenthood is a process meant to bring fulfillment and growth to parent and child.

My children are not my adversaries. I don't want them to grow up to be happy, productive, well-adjusted adults in spite of me. I want to nurture what is good and right in them and discourage and help them weed out the things in their lives that are negative and destructive.

I love my children. I want what's best for them, and I am not willing to physically harm them just so some slob in Wal-Mart doesn't think I'm a "bad parent".

Parenting is worth taking the time and going to the effort to do it right. Spanking may be the "easy out". It may provide *instant* results, but knowing my child and treating him or her like an actual human being provides lasting results that I will enjoy for years to come as I take pride in the men and women my children become in adulthood and the fact that they don't grow up to hate me and think of me as the abusive, asshole mom who solved every problem by hitting them.

I want to give my children tools for making good choices, not bruises for making wrong ones.

A parent who can't provide discipline without resorting to violence is a parent who is not invested in his or her children.

So far, at ages (almost) 10, 6, and 4 months, my children raised with my "PC horse shit" parenting philosophies are cool (imperfect, like me!) human beings and I would hate to beat the curiosity, precociousness, brilliance, and childlike mischievousness out of them, even if it would make me look like a great mom around the Denny's patrons and grocery store clerks.

I didn't have kids so I could beat them.

Comments (Page 3)

uDigItTheMost

on Mar 28, 2007

Ok, guys I'm completely and utterly wrong.

Spank away.

You're not wrong at all, Tex. Why does anyone have to be wrong? You wrote a very good article explaining why you feel the way you feel. That plus your mom's comment on post #19 should be enough for anyone. Whether a parent spanks their kids or not, they should respect your decision not to.

I have no kids so my opinion has less weight. If I were to have kids I don't know if I would spank them or not. Do I want to spank them? No, I don't but I can't say for certain I won't. I find nothing wrong with spanking. As long as it's done on the behind and it isn't done when you are angry.

From your articles in here you can tell you're a good mother. Just as you can also tell the same with Serenity and Tova. I'm sure all 3 of you have different philosophies on discipling your kids. Is one better than the other? No, I don't think there's one certain way to raise your children. The one thing I do think you all have in common is unconditional love for your kids, and the willingness to talk to your children about the choices you do make.

Your kids are lucky to have a mother like you, and not because you don't spank them. But because the love and commitment you have to being the best parent you know how, and how can anyone here not respect that.

Gideon MacLeish

on Mar 28, 2007

Tex,

You are NOT wrong. Don't worry about the peanut gallery (myself included).

My comments were more to offer another perspective. I agree with you FAR more than I disagree with you on this one, though.

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

LW:

And in case he deletes it--which he swears he never does but in fact has--here's my response to his bullshit elsewhere.

UDigIt: Thanks. That was a really nice and reasonable reply.

I agree that Tova and FS are fantastic mothers, and honestly, this was not meant as a barb at JU moms (or dads!), but more my general observations and parenting philosophies (in response to some negative comments about Attachment Parenting).

I regret posting it, though, and I agree with others who've said I could have put things in more friendly and less absolute terms. I was bit angry and hurt when I posted it, and I'm sure that didn't help.

LW & Gid: Thank you for your kind words and support.

Heh. No more opinion articles for a while. Too stressful.

KarmaGirl

on Mar 28, 2007

Ok, guys I'm completely and utterly wrong.

I don't think anyone is right or wrong. If it's not abuse, then how can anyone say what is right or wrong? Nobody here knows how to handle the other people's children, and not all children are the same. Kids with ADHD or other temperament problems need different discipline than a quiet obedient child. Kids are individuals, and they all need different guidance techniques. No parent should feel "wrong" by doing what they feel is best for their child.

nonsense.

the "quick smack" is closer to beating as it is not usualy an act of self discipline and the very definition of a "knee jerk" reaction.

Well, aren't you the know it all? Didn't you notice that I said in "my book"? Did you even read what I wrote? Not all kids react to the same forms of discipline. If you can't get the kid to pay enough attention to stop what they are doing, do you think the kid is going to listen when you tell them why you are bending them over your knee? Please....

And, yes, if you keep commenting (especially the way you have) on here after TW told you not to, then I'll take action if she asks....and it won't be pretty.

Tova7

on Mar 28, 2007

No more opinion articles for a while. Too stressful.

Ah Come on Tex, you have GREAT opinions.

I also think its totally awesome that your mom reads your blog.

I still want you to adopt me.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

i've made my point on your blog tex, and i assure you, unless you or your lil cronies start more bs with me... i have no problem steerin clear of your blog

well, i guess whip couldn't "respect" that. but that's no surprise, as she is incapable of any genuine respect anyway. i guess i shouldn't expect more from an out of work telemarketer sub.

Tex, write to Karma about Seans refusal to honor your request and stay the hell off your blog. Admins are well aware of the glitch, and warnings have been issued...i know because I got one when i dared remark on that evil troll trudy's thread.

i am not refusing, i stated i would stay off unless you did what you did. you are the cause with your actions. and about that glitch, as you can see, it works fine, your hi-jacking butt is b/l'ed.

you insinuated that those who deliver the occasional quick spank as an immediate correction are out-of-control child abusers,

the hell i did...i did say " but a smack is much closer to a beating than is a controlled and explained form of discipline that have nothing to do with a lack of emotional control by the parent."

but i also said..."does that mean that parents don't occasionally lose their temper or have a knee jerk reaction? of course it doesn't. but make no mistake, i am not equating that to a pattern of abuse by any means. but a bad human reaction is just that, human. it's not bad parenting."

i in no way equated the 2. i did say that a knee jerk reaction in a smack is closer to a beating than a controlled form of discipline, and it is.

Prior to your appearance on that thread, it was a good discussion, everyone was being civil in their disagreement, even though most felt strongly about their respective positions.

how was this response so "vile?"

gid's quote...As a rule, our kids are RARELY spanked (read: I honestly can't remember the last time they were spanked). It is a punishment we reserve for completely the last resort, when there is no other way to get their attention (which, again, I can't think of an instance to cite, so you'll have to excuse me on that one). That being said, I tend to agree you are being unnecessarily harsh.

me...i agree with gid, and take the same approach with my own kids. i have all boys, and i was a boy once too. my parents rarely and prudently spanked me...sometimes it "left a mark" and sometimes it didn't. but it was usually done in a controlled manner and not a fit of rage or a knee jerk reaction and i have tried to do the same. and it was a last resort usually as well.

like ay form of discipline, spanking isn't 100% effective by any means, but in my own life, as a kid, when i knew the consequences of some actions could potentially result in a spank, it kept me fom trouble more often than not. i never, as an adult, ever resented my parents for spanking me for one moment. most of it did me some good. and now as a parent, on those rare times where they may have just simply lost patience with me, i understand now how human that was.

(maybe this is it, maybe my assuring her if she ever "stumbles" not to be too hard on herself because of her views was just so mean and vile...)and equating spanking with beating is a stretch at best imho. i hope you you never have to lay a single hand on your children tex. but if you do, i hope you won't feel that you are a bad parent for it. you aren't. you are just a parent like the rest of us. you do the best you can, play the hand you are dealt and do your best to make sure they have all the tools necessary to succeed in life.

i dunno,,,i think i'm pretty civil there.

... (et al)...Disgusting.

yes, you certainly are being that. i spoke about MM and his troubles in relation to the national events and how they reflected here in a mirror image. i was impressed. and elie knows that i haven't spoken a disingenuous word about him. but i didn't speak on that to "blow my own horn" . in fact lil girl, if you actually read it, i don't mention myself AT ALL! i point out the niceness of the JOEUSER COMMUNITY, not myself in anyway, shape or form. i only comment saying i liked what i saw FROM OTHERS, like you (and yes, i mean that).

Btw, it seems you're the only one who feels Brandie 'abandoned her position.

tell that to gid and udigit, who also commented on her "abandonment."

SanChonino

on Mar 28, 2007

Seriously Sean, it's best if you just pack up your bags and go home. You're going around the b/l glitch and being pretty rude here . . . keep it up, and you'll suffer the wrath of the mighty Karma . . .

MasonM

on Mar 28, 2007

Heh, I am just way too stressed out to debate anything, much less things so personal and near-and-dear to me. I don't have the emotional energy to follow up with this (and absorb the slams, intentional and unintentional).

So, as my girl Marcie would say, "You're right. I'm wrong. I'm an idiot."

I'm sorry to hear that you're under so much stress. I hope things ease up a bit for you soon.

As I suspect that this article is at least partially due to my comments on another thread, please allow me to apologize here. I may not have expressed my viewpoint effectively or even politely, and for that I do apologize. I've been under the influence of some pretty powerful narcotics for my back pain and may not be expressing myself well at all. I do not offer that as any sort of excuse but rather as an explanation.

Every parent has to make their own decisions on how best to raise their children. I do not feel that one is more valid than another although I do personally believe that spanking is a valid option (just not the first and only one).

If I offended you or hurt your feelings in the way I expressed myself in that other thread, please accept my sincere apology as that was never my intent.

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

Mason: Thank you. Your apology has me almost at a loss for words. I am very touched that you would go to the trouble to apologize for hurting my feelings when you obviously didn't mean to in the first place and when I am overly sensitive as it is.

I really, really appreciate it, Mason.

For some reason our exchange on Loca's thread really struck me in the heart. I am definitely stressed (LOL, I guess that's true for everyone, though) and somewhat fragile right now, and raising my boys and my girl is so important to me that I took your comments very personally.

You didn't have to apologize, but it means so much that you did. Thank you.

You're a stand up guy.

SC:

MasonM

on Mar 28, 2007

You didn't have to apologize,

Actually, if I hurt your feelings or offended you(as I obviously did) then yes, I did have to apologize as that was not my intent.

KarmaGirl

on Mar 28, 2007

i am not refusing, i stated i would stay off unless you did what you did. you are the cause with your actions. and about that glitch, as you can see, it works fine, your hi-jacking butt is b/l'ed

She did bl you and told you so. Why are you still commenting? There is a random glitch, so respect her wishes and stay off here. You're really walking the line right now. You were told by the author to stay off here, I told you to respect her wishes, yet you commented anyway. Just stop.

Shovelheat

on Mar 28, 2007

Can't say I have anything against busting a little butt if they need it, but funny thing...I don't recall ever doing it -not even once. I just never really saw the need, to be honest. But now as for RECIEVING a busting on a butt? Oh hell yeah, I remember THAT big time!

(Can't say I ever got one I didn't have comin' though...

)

MasonM

on Mar 28, 2007

Can't say I ever got one I didn't have comin' though...

Same here, I earned every one of them.

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Mar 28, 2007

Same here, I earned every one of them.

me too!! Of the three kids in my family, I was the naughty one. Yes siree, the only girl too. It was bare bottom at my house. I was not that quick.

For the most part I think the kids are ok with it. Like you've said, you know you had it coming. Most of the time the guilt beforehand was so great it was a relief to just get the spanking and get on with it. It was like a cleansing. I think it's the grownups that have the hard time, not the kids really. They understand.

Spanking was "in" when I was growing up. I know today it's a no no for the most part but all one has to do to see "if it's working for us" is check with a schoolteacher who has been around the bend a bit to see which generation she'd rather teach in.

There are so many variables when it comes to discipline we can't really be dogmatic about this. We need to give each other room and know that we have the best interest of our child at heart.

Only a parent who loves his child cares enough to discipline him/her no matter the method and deep down the kids know this.

SanChonino

on Mar 29, 2007

I am capable of showing deep respect for those who've earned it, SC.

I hate the fact that that guy has the same initials as me . . . I keep thinking everyone's pissed at me when they're just pissed at him.

Maybe we should call me "Cool SC" or something like that . . .

(Ah, self-aggrandizing. Nothing quite like it to wake yourself up in the morning.)

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