I Didn't Have Kids So I Could Beat Them

Published on March 27, 2007 By Texas Wahine In Blogging

It's no secret that I don't believe in spanking.

There are times when my children piss me off so severely that it sure would be satisfying to give them a smack on the behind, but I don't discipline to make myself feel better. I discipline to raise secure, happy, competent, considerate children.

Therefore, what would make *me* feel better when my child spills Cocoa Puffs all over the kitchen floor (and leaves them there as if there are some magic cereal fairies who clean these things up) does not enter into the equation.

I am a mother. Being a mother is something unique and wonderful. I've never been a father so I don't know what that feels like.

I do know what it feels like to go from just me, to literally sharing my body with another human being. I know what fetal hiccups feel like and I know what it feels like to be awakened in the middle of the night by a baby rolling around inside me. I know what it's like to give birth and see a baby's head poking through and feel that unstoppable pressure and that uncontrollable urge to push. I know what it's like to feel those little shoulders and that long little slippery body slide out of my own. From nursing and umbilical cord stump care to sticky high chairs and plastic dinosaurs hidden under couch cushions to school Christmas programs and markers scattered all over the floor to CD players and Mad Magazine for Kids, I know how special it is to be a mother.

It is a joy and a struggle like no other.

And I am charged with not only making sure these little people survive and are nurtured and not harmed, but also with making sure they learn the things they need to know to thrive when they reach adulthood and I can no longer protect and care for them. They are not like a lump of clay for me to mold into what I desire. Children enter the world with personalities and unique desires and their own specific potentials and deficiencies.

I get to discover my children like an explorer stepping foot on a foreign and exotic land.

As I learn about them and as I make a connection with them and nurture them and know them in the very intimate and special way only an involved and loving mother can, I begin to understand them. And they begin to trust me and understand that I am there to care for them and help them make choices that benefit them; we have established discipline.

I didn't invest so much of myself into motherhood and raising children just to lazily and angrily beat them for childhood infractions. Parenthood is not a contest or a power struggle of parent versus child. Parenthood is a process meant to bring fulfillment and growth to parent and child.

My children are not my adversaries. I don't want them to grow up to be happy, productive, well-adjusted adults in spite of me. I want to nurture what is good and right in them and discourage and help them weed out the things in their lives that are negative and destructive.

I love my children. I want what's best for them, and I am not willing to physically harm them just so some slob in Wal-Mart doesn't think I'm a "bad parent".

Parenting is worth taking the time and going to the effort to do it right. Spanking may be the "easy out". It may provide *instant* results, but knowing my child and treating him or her like an actual human being provides lasting results that I will enjoy for years to come as I take pride in the men and women my children become in adulthood and the fact that they don't grow up to hate me and think of me as the abusive, asshole mom who solved every problem by hitting them.

I want to give my children tools for making good choices, not bruises for making wrong ones.

A parent who can't provide discipline without resorting to violence is a parent who is not invested in his or her children.

So far, at ages (almost) 10, 6, and 4 months, my children raised with my "PC horse shit" parenting philosophies are cool (imperfect, like me!) human beings and I would hate to beat the curiosity, precociousness, brilliance, and childlike mischievousness out of them, even if it would make me look like a great mom around the Denny's patrons and grocery store clerks.

I didn't have kids so I could beat them.

Comments (Page 2)

Texas Wahine

on Mar 27, 2007

Tova: First, let me say that I think you're an awesome mother. I don't think I'll ever been even half the mom you are. You are devoted, involved, and loving with your children and I don't question your parenting abilities AT ALL.

The quickest way for my kids to get a swat is to directly disobey me. For instance, if we are at a tennis match and I tell my youngest he can play here but not to cross the line. Then he edges up to the line, puts his toe on it and looks back at me.
He gets a swat, right then and there.

And it works. But there are other things that work, too, that don't require striking a child.

The thing is, most (not all) spanking parents I've encountered are not invested in their children the way you are in yours. They don't know their kids and they don't discipline with a long-term goal in mind. They just *react* to misbehavior. They don't teach.

Consequences don't have to be physical, and in fact, I think direct and natural consequences are easier for children to understand.

Tova7

on Mar 27, 2007

I don't think I'll ever been even half the mom you are. You are devoted, involved, and loving with your children and I don't question your parenting abilities AT ALL.

Thanks Tex. I didn't mean to sound defensive, if I did. This is one of those subjects for me that is hard to really discuss without body language. Like when I say I threaten my kids with beatings....hahahaha. I do, but its a joke in our family. I also threaten to beat my husband's butt, but he doesn't laugh, he just wiggles his eyebrows.

Fear me.

Consequences don't have to be physical, and in fact, I think direct and natural consequences are easier for children to understand.

I agree and actually try (sometimes very hard) to find "natural consequences." However they aren't always feasible. Take the tennis court example. My first choice would be to pick Gavin up and remove him from the situation. But I won't do that. I won't penalize Hunter by missing his games because his brother is disobedient. Not to mention Gavin is old enough to start learning the family doesn't revolve around him.

The second option is to let him get onto the court...not really an option. He'd get run over, we'd get kicked out, on and on.

The third option is to make him sit beside me...a loss of freedom (but time out doesn't phase him).

The swat is for direct disobedience..that "make me" attitude, and the loss of freedom (which I go ahead and do) is for violating the boundaries I gave him.

It isn't my first choice, but sometimes a situation has to be dealt with imo right away, and the first and best option isn't always doable.

Gavin can be in the middle of a breath holding tantrum and a quick swat makes him take a breath and not pass out. Of course he tells me "God says not to spank me!"

hahahahaha.

I do get what you are saying, and this........

Children enter the world with personalities and unique desires and their own specific potentials and deficiencies.
I get to discover my children like an explorer stepping foot on a foreign and exotic land

is so wise....I want you to be my mom. I am actually thinking about rewording it a bit, and making something out of it to hang on the wall, with calligraphy or something.

lostintexas

on Mar 27, 2007

I have to chime in on this as Tex's mom. She was raised in a home where spanking was the main punishment. That was the discipline of choose a lot because that was what her parents was taught when they was growing up and that was what all the older people around them said was the right thing to do. And I have to say as will I personally found it easier to spank my two children and get the punishment over. I hated seeing them sad because they were grounded. So yes it was the easy way for me. When Tex and her husband decided not to spank their children I really worried that their children would be wild undisciplined children. But after staying with her for six months I found that they have the best adjusted and good behaving boys I have ever seen. I am not saying this because she is my daughter. If this was not true I would just not say a word. I really wish that I had been half the mother she is to her children.

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Mar 27, 2007

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if I'm redundant here.

To compare spanking to beating is unfair Tex. There are many responsible parents that use spanking as a tool of discipline. It's biblical as well. I did. We spanked our kids. They all turned out very well. I was actually told last week by a mom of a 10 year old boy that in their family they look up to my boys as role models.

Not bad for being spanked huh?

Spanking is NOT the easy way out. Nobody enjoys spanking their child. Usually with spanking comes discussion and further restrictions depending on the infraction.

Most of the time if done right, the spanking years are over by seven or eight. Beating is wrong. I agree, but spanking is not and to be dogmatic about it is very subjective. While I say spanking can be a good tool used in discipline not all kids need this. My oldest son did not. I never spanked him. The other two got them as needed. One boy stole from us when he was about 8 or so, he got spanked. That same boy directly defied us another time and got spanked for that as well. My youngest drew on the wall with crayon, quite the art show, and you guessed it, got spanked for that as well.

The spanking always resulted in better behavior. We told them we loved them but what they did was unacceptable and there were consequences for their actions. Sometimes one kid learned from the other. I never had a theft problem with the other two. I never had another artistic experience played out on my wall from any of them, etc. Later when the discipline style changed as they grew they knew we meant business. No longer spankings were given out but they knew it wouldn't be pleasant so they didn't bother acting up much. It wasn't worth it. So if anything the spankings as very young children helped tremendously in their teen years. Something many don't think about.

There's an old joke when teachers were allowed to slap children in school (another subject here) about a woman bringing her son to school for the first time in a new school. She said, "My boy Tommy is very sensitive and meek. You never have to slap him for doing wrong. All you have to do is slap the boy next to him and my Tommy will straighten right out." This is very true.

I also heard a statistic way back that if you go and interview the inmates in prison you'd find they were either beaten (not spanked) by their parents or never spanked at all. I believe it is very rare to find a parent who lovingly disciplined their child via spanking as a youngster visiting their child in jail.

Just my two cents Tex.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

The thing is, most (not all) spanking parents I've encountered are not invested in their children the way you are in yours(ed: speaking to tova7). They don't know their kids and they don't discipline with a long-term goal in mind. They just *react* to misbehavior. They don't teach.

this is about as much of a blatant and false generalization as i have seen on here in a long time. sounds like you are basing your opinions on either (or both) what you see some yahoo do in public when he smacks his kid in the mall (or wherever)or just basing it on your own upbringing, which may or may not have been improper.

when i have been in the position where a spanking was deemed necessary. it is done out of a controlled stance. i said that before, you just seem to get that or think it's the exception, rather than a rule with many parents. in fact, every parent i know approaches spanking as a last or almost last resort. they all find they are in pain making the decision. i now know, as a parent, know what "this will hurt me more than it hurts you" means now. my wife and i have had painful discussions on the discipline of our children and approach it equally and with respect for each other's values.

does that mean that parents don't occasionally lose their temper or have a knee jerk reaction? of course it doesn't. but make no mistake, i am not equating that to a pattern of abuse by any means. but a bad human reaction is just that, human. it's not bad parenting. maybe making these charges make you feel better than other parents by accusing them of being lazy and uninvolved in their children's lives. maybe you are just somehow doing something theraputic from what is mentioned about your own backround. i don't know and can only speculate there. but i do know that you are dead wrong for judging other parents in the way that you do. and i also know that your charges, at least in my experience in my own family and in the circles i have traveled, are just plain wrong.

KarmaGirl

on Mar 28, 2007

There is "giving your kid a spank", "spanking", and "beating".

All are very different.

When my daughter was younger, there were times that the *only* way that you could get her attention was to give her a smack on the butt. Even my Mom, who wasn't pro-spanking even when I was a kid, had to do it a couple times. Was I lazy or a bad parent because of it? Nope. It was the only thing that stood between chaos on discipline at the time. If I didn't give her a smack, she wouldn't stop and pay attention to what I was saying "no" about. It's just the way she was.

However, she doesn't act like that now. She knows the consequences. It would have been nice, and easier for me if I never had to do it. But, that just wasn't so. Not all kids react to punishment the same way. You can reason, plead, yell, or whatever you can think of with some kids, and it won't matter. But, a quick smack on the butt will get their attention.

Spanking (ie: putting a kid over your knee and repeatedly spanking them) is the Beginning stage of "beating" in my book. It is in a whole different class than what most people I know talk about when they say "spanking", because they really mean that they give their kid one spank to get the kid's attention.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

Spanking (ie: putting a kid over your knee and repeatedly spanking them) is the Beginning stage of "beating" in my book.

nonsense.

the "quick smack" is closer to beating as it is not usualy an act of self discipline and the very definition of a "knee jerk" reaction.

when a "spanking" as you describe happens in my household, it is controlled and explained beforehand. it is not about a temper or the loss of it.

the differnce between the "spank" or smack and the beating is the control of the person smacking realizing that either they had done enough to get the attention of the child, or have gone slightly over the top. the "beating" occurs when that smack is followed by more smacks and end up on other partsof the body. but a smack is much closer to a beating than is a controlled and explained form of discipline that have nothing to do with a lack of emotional control by the parent.

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

Ok, guys I'm completely and utterly wrong.

Spank away.

I'm not going to hit (spank, beat, smack, "give a spank", whoop, strike, etc.) my kids. I don't have the energy to meticulously defend my position if there were even anyone here receptive to it. This is the wrong place for me to share my views on parenting.

I'm sorry.

I'm just going to have to pull a Marcie on this one (sorry, Marcie). I'm just too tired to deal with this.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

I'm not going to hit (spank, beat, smack, "give a spank", whoop, strike, etc.) my kids. I don't have the energy to meticulously defend my position if there were even anyone here receptive to it. This is the wrong place for me to share my views on parenting.

actually, i appreciate you bringing up the subject and having a discussion about it. really.

folks who claim this 'holier than thou " stance often don't understand the other side where parents make other choices. this leads to misinformation (like equating any physical punishment with abuse or using derrogatory terms (like beating) loosely as possible to make a case). that leads to parents being abused by (i'm sure) well meaning social workers having to "do something" to quiet all the "holier than thou" types down. and that leads to good families being destroyed.

i really do respect your right to make your decisions on the disciplining of your child. i just ask you to have that same respect for those who make different, but no less thoughtful decisions about their family. your crass and innacurate description of those who make different decisions than you does no one any good and only causes more b.s. in our society. that was my main "beef" with the article. but that also doesn't mean that society should turn a blind eye to actual abuse and be aware enough to recognize the patterns. but when you start equating a controlled spank with a violent, out of control beating, you cloud the situation and create an adversity that doesn't need to exist. we can both be good parents while making different decisions for our own. and we can work together to ensure that no child is abused, be it physical, mental or whatever kind of abuse a parent dreams up.

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

sean: I don't like you. I think you're a pompous blowhard jerk. Please don't post on my threads.

I'd blacklist you, but I don't think that feature is working right now.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

I'd blacklist you, but I don't think that feature is working right now.

it works fine, if you feel the need, feel free.

so much for attempting any civility or finding common ground with you. anyone who looks above will see i was doing everything i could to find an understanding with you, not argue. apparantly, you can't handle it. you'd rather just attack me and call me names instead of anything that might be productive.

i sincerely walked away from my last post (ironically, to pick my oldest up from school) thinking perhaps, even if we have disagreements on the political front, that maybe we could find some understanding and common ground here. guess i was dead wrong. some people just want to hold grudges.

i am reminded of the ol john lennon quote, once again,,,"whatever gets ya thru the night, it's alright."

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

sean: Thanks for showing me respect and ceasing to comment on my thread.

I think I made it clear in post #25 that I am not looking for further discussion on this topic.

I guess I will have to try out the blacklist since you can't seem to follow simple instructions.

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

Thanks Sabrina.

Heh, I am just way too stressed out to debate anything, much less things so personal and near-and-dear to me. I don't have the emotional energy to follow up with this (and absorb the slams, intentional and unintentional).

So, as my girl Marcie would say, "You're right. I'm wrong. I'm an idiot."

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 28, 2007

sean: Thanks for showing me respect and ceasing to comment on my thread.

i am supposed to show someone who calls me names respect? try giving some instead of throwing insults at me.

I think I made it clear in post #25 that I am not looking for further discussion on this topic.

fine, but i did sincerely thank you for the discussion and attempted to end it on a positive note. you obviously can't handle that and need to end it by insulting me.

I guess I will have to try out the blacklist since you can't seem to follow simple instructions.

if you feel justified, feel free. i've already stated that. do know, however, that is a tit for tat situation.

and in fairness, i should let ya know that i did mention you in an article i wrote today...if you have no interest in your fair say, then i will b/l you at the end of my work day...regrettably.

WWW Link

Texas Wahine

on Mar 28, 2007

*ahem* I DID blacklist you. Not only did the BL not work, but you are still commenting.

You were rude in your "positive ending note" and further displayed an astounding lack of reading comprehension. I said I was finished talking about it. I meant that.

Basically you were saying, "I agree, we're finished. Thanks for the discussion. And since it's over and you're not going to debate it anymore, here - let me poke you with a stick. Ok, debate over now. Don't poke me back!"

Respect my BL please. Be the awesome, mature person you all want us to think you are, and just ignore me and my threads. I don't enjoy interacting with you and it would make my world just a little bit brighter if I didn't have to listen to your self-important blathering.

Thanks.

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