I Didn't Have Kids So I Could Beat Them

Published on March 27, 2007 By Texas Wahine In Blogging

It's no secret that I don't believe in spanking.

There are times when my children piss me off so severely that it sure would be satisfying to give them a smack on the behind, but I don't discipline to make myself feel better. I discipline to raise secure, happy, competent, considerate children.

Therefore, what would make *me* feel better when my child spills Cocoa Puffs all over the kitchen floor (and leaves them there as if there are some magic cereal fairies who clean these things up) does not enter into the equation.

I am a mother. Being a mother is something unique and wonderful. I've never been a father so I don't know what that feels like.

I do know what it feels like to go from just me, to literally sharing my body with another human being. I know what fetal hiccups feel like and I know what it feels like to be awakened in the middle of the night by a baby rolling around inside me. I know what it's like to give birth and see a baby's head poking through and feel that unstoppable pressure and that uncontrollable urge to push. I know what it's like to feel those little shoulders and that long little slippery body slide out of my own. From nursing and umbilical cord stump care to sticky high chairs and plastic dinosaurs hidden under couch cushions to school Christmas programs and markers scattered all over the floor to CD players and Mad Magazine for Kids, I know how special it is to be a mother.

It is a joy and a struggle like no other.

And I am charged with not only making sure these little people survive and are nurtured and not harmed, but also with making sure they learn the things they need to know to thrive when they reach adulthood and I can no longer protect and care for them. They are not like a lump of clay for me to mold into what I desire. Children enter the world with personalities and unique desires and their own specific potentials and deficiencies.

I get to discover my children like an explorer stepping foot on a foreign and exotic land.

As I learn about them and as I make a connection with them and nurture them and know them in the very intimate and special way only an involved and loving mother can, I begin to understand them. And they begin to trust me and understand that I am there to care for them and help them make choices that benefit them; we have established discipline.

I didn't invest so much of myself into motherhood and raising children just to lazily and angrily beat them for childhood infractions. Parenthood is not a contest or a power struggle of parent versus child. Parenthood is a process meant to bring fulfillment and growth to parent and child.

My children are not my adversaries. I don't want them to grow up to be happy, productive, well-adjusted adults in spite of me. I want to nurture what is good and right in them and discourage and help them weed out the things in their lives that are negative and destructive.

I love my children. I want what's best for them, and I am not willing to physically harm them just so some slob in Wal-Mart doesn't think I'm a "bad parent".

Parenting is worth taking the time and going to the effort to do it right. Spanking may be the "easy out". It may provide *instant* results, but knowing my child and treating him or her like an actual human being provides lasting results that I will enjoy for years to come as I take pride in the men and women my children become in adulthood and the fact that they don't grow up to hate me and think of me as the abusive, asshole mom who solved every problem by hitting them.

I want to give my children tools for making good choices, not bruises for making wrong ones.

A parent who can't provide discipline without resorting to violence is a parent who is not invested in his or her children.

So far, at ages (almost) 10, 6, and 4 months, my children raised with my "PC horse shit" parenting philosophies are cool (imperfect, like me!) human beings and I would hate to beat the curiosity, precociousness, brilliance, and childlike mischievousness out of them, even if it would make me look like a great mom around the Denny's patrons and grocery store clerks.

I didn't have kids so I could beat them.

Comments (Page 1)

lostintexas

on Mar 27, 2007

Wow! This mother could not be prouder of the mom you have turn out to be! With all my flows as a perent I don't know how you turned out to be such a great parent. Keep up the good work! I love you very much. Mom

Texas Wahine

on Mar 27, 2007

Mom:

LW:

Hmm, can we draw a line of distinction between spanking and beating?

Sure, but I don't, as a general rule, support spanking *or* "beating" as a form of discipline. That's not to say that I've never spanked my kids, but I haven't since I've known better. And that's not to say I never will again, but I hope I don't fall into that.

I think the occasional quick spank on the rear is often a valid choice, especially when dealing with children too young to respond to reason and in need of immediate, attention-getting discipline...for instance, a child who's pulled away and run out in traffic after being told to hold your hand and wait, or a toddler who reaches towards a hot stove after being told 'no!'

If that were the only time it happened I wouldn't be so critical of it. There are alternative ways to deal with problems like that with young children, but I agree that a swat on the butt is hardly as cruel as allowing them to be splattered by an approaching vehicle.

Spanking isn't the only way to stop a toddler dead in his tracks, though. Or the only way to manage toddler misbehavior. I'm going to bed soon because I stayed up far too late, but I can elaborate on that later if you'd like.

Just as you resent being second-guessed on your ('pc bullshit') choice not to spank, those who do utilize this form of correction resent the implication that they are lazy, mean, or stupid for doing so.

I think you know me well enough to know that I don't care if they resent it.

Seriously, I don't appreciate the implication that progressive attachment parenting is causing overcrowding in our prisons, particularly when the screwed up people I see tend to come from homes where there was abuse, neglect, and dysfunction.

I very strongly believe that the spanking mindset is wrong. I think spanking infrequently sends a bad message and erodes trust. I think spanking for every infraction is lazy parenting and teaches a child little besides "don't let mommy catch me".

I'm not a perfect parent. I make lots and lots of mistakes. But I see the difference in my children when I keep that connection with them and when I show them I value them and give them loving instruction instead simply reacting to misbehavior with physical punishment.

Gideon MacLeish

on Mar 27, 2007

We've been 'round this track before, Tex.

As a rule, our kids are RARELY spanked (read: I honestly can't remember the last time they were spanked). It is a punishment we reserve for completely the last resort, when there is no other way to get their attention (which, again, I can't think of an instance to cite, so you'll have to excuse me on that one). That being said, I tend to agree you are being unnecessarily harsh.

I have known parents who are far more liberal with spanking than we are and are still very good parents. I would not characterize their behaviour as "beating" their children, and I reserve for them the right to make that decision, even when it is not the decision I would make.

Just my two cents. If ya ask me, you overpaid.

Tova7

on Mar 27, 2007

I spank my kids.

Like you I am preparing them for real life. It is my job to train them to understand certain actions have certain consequences and sometimes those are physically painful.

The quickest way for my kids to get a swat is to directly disobey me. For instance, if we are at a tennis match and I tell my youngest he can play here but not to cross the line. Then he edges up to the line, puts his toe on it and looks back at me.

He gets a swat, right then and there.

Fear isn't always bad. I think its healthy for my sons to fear defying my authority. I don't break certain laws because I fear the consequences. I love God, yet I fear His wrath.

My kids are funny, intelligent, creative, and most of all KIDS....spanking hasn't changed that.

Locamama

on Mar 27, 2007

My parents beat? spanked? abused? me. It definately went beyond a swat on the butt. My dad has passed away and I have a distant (I mail her a birthday, Christmas and mother's day card every year) relationship with my mom. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me. I do want them to respect me. I don't want my boys to look forward to the day they can get away from me. That was what I learned from how I was raised.

I might not have got it completely right but I do think my kids at least know that I loved them. I never had that much. I have spanked my boys occassionally and I have huge regrets afterward. I don't think it accomplished anything. I lashed out in anger and frustration and it was wrong.

Statistics show that prisons are filled with people from both extremes of parenting, the uber-strict households and the neglectful or overly permissive households. I think this shows that the happy medium is the way to go.

Just because you don't spank doesn't mean that they don't have any consequences. You have to figure out what motivates your child. For my oldest, it's losing his game controllers, for my middle one it is not being able to play with his friends. I haven't figured out what's going to work for my youngest yet but I'm working on it.

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 27, 2007

As a rule, our kids are RARELY spanked (read: I honestly can't remember the last time they were spanked). It is a punishment we reserve for completely the last resort, when there is no other way to get their attention (which, again, I can't think of an instance to cite, so you'll have to excuse me on that one). That being said, I tend to agree you are being unnecessarily harsh.

i agree with gid, and take the same approach with my own kids. i have all boys, and i was a boy once too. my parents rarely and prudently spanked me...sometimes it "left a mark" and sometimes it didn't. but it was usually done in a controlled manner and not a fit of rage or a knee jerk reaction and i have tried to do the same. and it was a last resort usually as well.

like ay form of discipline, spanking isn't 100% effective by any means, but in my own life, as a kid, when i knew the consequences of some actions could potentially result in a spank, it kept me fom trouble more often than not. i never, as an adult, ever resented my parents for spanking me for one moment. most of it did me some good. and now as a parent, on those rare times where they may have just simply lost patience with me, i understand now how human that was.

and equating spanking with beating is a stretch at best imho. i hope you you never have to lay a single hand on your children tex. but if you do, i hope you won't feel that you are a bad parent for it. you aren't. you are just a parent like the rest of us. you do the best you can, play the hand you are dealt and do your best to make sure they have all the tools necessary to succeed in life.

just john

on Mar 27, 2007

I believe it is possible to be a good parent and spank. Discipline is a fine line though. I mean, you don't have to hit to leave an impression on a child.

When I was growing up, I was beaten and slung around the room by my hair or whatever appendage was easily accessible for being a poor student. My parents thought they did everything right. They had my IQ tested and it was very high. They moved me out of the rural public school and several other things. None of that worked. I was still a poor student. I must not be applying myself, right? Wrong. I am terribly dyslexic and I have serious issues with ADD. A good beating did wonders for those problems.

My parents hit when they should have been looking for a resolution. In the end we all suffered. Our relationship is terribly strained to this day and I didn't receive the help I needed when it could have been beneficial.

I think hitting is a last resort in every situation. There has to be a better way to deal with it.

Zoologist03

on Mar 27, 2007

If I ever have kids I'm sure the psychological damage I could do would be much worse than what I could accomplish by spanking.

(If you don't listen to me, monsters will eat you) I just hope my kids would take after me...I was actually quite well disciplined right out of the womb. I don't recall ever really being in trouble except for here and there and nothing big at that.

~Zoo

Sean Conners aka SConn1

on Mar 27, 2007

If I ever have kids I'm sure the psychological damage I could do would be much worse than what I could accomplish by spanking.

true,,,mental abuse can be far more powerful than the physical sometimes. but social services, like most people, are only capable of comprehending (or miscomprehending)what is gotten thru the path of least resistance

Texas Wahine

on Mar 27, 2007

Gid:

That being said, I tend to agree you are being unnecessarily harsh.

It's always considered "unneccessarily harsh" when you step on the toes of people you like.

Spanking is not the be-all and end-all of family discipline. In 99.999999% of circumstances there is a solution that doesn't involve striking a child. What stops loving, involved, earnest parents from taking the time to discipline in a way that doesn't involve putting their hands on their child?

I would really like to know.

Lazy parents spank because it's an easy way to temporarily modify their child's behavior without having to connect with their child or provide instruction. Admitting that there are parents who want the best for their children who spank, what stops those from going the extra mile?

I would not characterize their behaviour as "beating" their children, and I reserve for them the right to make that decision, even when it is not the decision I would make.

Couple of things...beating makes a more "compelling" title

and I'm not saying parents don't have the RIGHT to spank, I'm saying I don't think it's a good choice and it's not something I would choose for my family.

More later...

Gideon MacLeish

on Mar 27, 2007

Couple of things...beating makes a more "compelling" title

A sensationalist title to draw people to your blog? I am shocked, Tex! SHOCKED!

(LOL!)

Texas Wahine

on Mar 27, 2007

scandalous, i know! haha

nak - sorry

Tova7

on Mar 27, 2007

What stops loving, involved, earnest parents from taking the time to discipline in a way that doesn't involve putting their hands on their child?

Nothing stops me, except the fact I consider spanking a useful discipline tool. It doesn't make me any less loving, involved or earnest.

Also wanted to add...I often threaten my kids with "I'm gonna beat you!" I don't understand why they laugh when I say it....

This most often occurs after some horrendous prank they play on me...and I yell it as they are running away laughing hysterically.

foreverserenity

on Mar 27, 2007

I don't beat, I spank, when necessary and it's the last resort, unless that child did something that really warrant a couple of swats on the butt to reinforce you don't play with fire, or you don't try to blind your brother or you don't go outside, and near the pond of water when I told you not to! I'm not ashamed to admit that I spank, but I don't use it to have my children fear me.

I use the usual tools of discipline, the loss of watching a fav program, or playing with friends, or not going to the movies as planned or something that would make the discipline useful and a learning experience. I also use my voice a lot and I talk, talk, talk because I believe in communication. And I teach my children to come to me and lets talk it out. Don't be afraid to say something, and I badger them until they confess. When they think I would be angry, I don't. I use real-life experiences as examples.

A parent tries to do so much for their child/children and it's up to each individual to do what is right for their own family.

carebear07

on Mar 27, 2007

Kids - dreading the day I have my first.

Okay, so not really dreading it. Just all of the responsibilities. It's hard enough now to be worrying about college and other important things in my life and I have two younger brothers [14 & 10] running around the housing pissing my off like none other! Gahhhh they are so nerve racking...sometimes I just wish I could beat them to the ground. But I know I never could even if I honestly really wanted to.

I really don't believe in spanking. I think it has to do with myself being spanked so much when I was much younger. My dad had a really bad problem with spanking me a lot....and he spanked for reasons that don't make much sense to me.

Now smacking on the other hand....I feel that it's different than spanking. Smacking to me is just like, "No, don't do that again." If that makes sense.

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