I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad

Published on November 19, 2005 By Texas Wahine In Misc

One of my few personal strengths is patience. I can endure a lot and I can be pushed pretty far by other people before I snap. I'm generally a fairly peaceful person.

I haven't always been this way, but time and life has mellowed me.

I still get angry, though. I get annoyed. My anger manifests itself as stress and frustration.

I don't often get mad at people, though. I get mad at situations. I don't know if this is common, but it seems to be the SOP for me. I often have to tell my husband, "Yes, I'm mad. No, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the situation."

To him, there doesn't seem to be much difference. I'm still grouchy and snapping. I suppose I'm still directing my anger at him, but it's not really meant for him, and inside me I understand that.

Yesterday I had Parent/Teacher Conferences for the kids. I told him about them more than a month in advance. I reminded him to ask for that afternoon off every few days or so (not to nag, he actually needs me to do this because he has a lot of obligations, and he won't remember if I don't remind him from time to time). He assured me all along that it would be no problem.

Well, his old unit is being disbanded and he is being placed with a new unit. Right now he's in limbo...not really in his old unit, not really in his new one, either. He's been in this limbo for about two days now. There was no way he could get free...not because he had really important work to be doing, but because of the weird situation without a clear cut chain of command.

When he told me I would be going by myself, I was mad. I was mad because he had insisted he would be there. I was mad because I've had to go to so many conferences by myself and now that he's actually home I really wanted him to be there...his presence says "family" to me. I was mad because I think it's important for us both to have "face time" with the teachers and because there's information that I may forget or not express properly so it would be better for him to hear it directly. And I was mad because I would have to wrangle both boys by myself while talking with the teachers.

I think these are all good reasons for me to be mad. I was snippy to him. He told me, "Brandie, it's not my fault. I wanted to be there. Don't you think that if I could, I would?" I wasn't mad AT HIM. I tried to express that to him. But I guess I just seemed mad at him. I wasn't. Just frustrated with the situation. I knew it wasn't his fault.

This morning as I prepared to make coffee, I noticed that the coffee pot had been left on all day and all night since yesterday morning. There was coffee burnt onto the bottom of the pot. I was angry. Not at him. It wasn't his fault. I mean, he made the coffee yesterday, and he had the opportunity to turn it off, but so did I. It wasn't his fault. In fact, it was MORE my fault than anything because I'd been home most of the day and I had cooked dinner and failed to notice that the pot was still on.

He felt that I was angry at him. I wasn't. Just pissed off that I had to scrub the baked on coffee off the pot and at the thought of all the bad things that could have happened with the pot being on so long.

I think this is probably something I need to work on. How do I channel my frustration at a situation so that my loved ones don't feel accused? A solo Parent/Teacher Conference or a burned coffee pot are nothing to cause family discord over.

I mean, I don't yell about it. But I tense up. I complain. My body language expresses my anger more than any words I might say. How do I deal with those feelings without hurting anyone else? And how do I teach my children to deal with their frustration when I wear mine on my sleeve?

Ugh.

Comments

MarcieMoo

on Nov 19, 2005

We're birds of a feather, Brandie.

I think it's just an issue of being male or female, lots of times, because our emotions are wired differently. I have a hard time telling Ryan when I'm mad at something, because I think HE'LL think that its stupid, so I stew about it and he makes me talk about it. I don't know if he should let me just get over it by myself or do what he's doing. It's hard to tell.

I think the best thing to do is just to acknowledge that you deal with your frustration in one way and come to an understanding that if it really has to do with him, you'll be sure to talk to him about it so it can be resolved.

BUT...look who's giving the "advice". lol

SSG Geezer

on Nov 19, 2005

It's called being human! This applies doubly if you are a parent, since there are times when being a parent to everyone gets to be a pain in the ass. (That's what I have heard on numerous occasions at least.)

Texas Wahine

on Nov 19, 2005

Marcie:

We're birds of a feather, Brandie.

I often think that.

I think it's just an issue of being male or female, lots of times, because our emotions are wired differently

I definitely agree with that. There's so much debate about how much of gender differences are socialized, but I truly believe that we are "wired" differently. And of course, there is the difference in the size of the corpus callosum (sp?).

I have a hard time telling Ryan when I'm mad at something, because I think HE'LL think that its stupid, so I stew about it and he makes me talk about it. I don't know if he should let me just get over it by myself or do what he's doing. It's hard to tell.

Communication is important...allowing frustration to build up can lead to resentment, but sometimes it's just something we know we'll get over and we don't need to bring them down with.

I think the best thing to do is just to acknowledge that you deal with your frustration in one way and come to an understanding that if it really has to do with him, you'll be sure to talk to him about it so it can be resolved.

I think that's excellent advice. I shouldn't just assume that he knows that. Thanks.

SSG Geezer:

It's called being human!

Haha. That's not a bad thing, I suppose.

This applies doubly if you are a parent, since there are times when being a parent to everyone gets to be a pain in the ass.

Yup, yup. That was pretty insightful. Thinking back on it, the times when this stuff gets to me most is when I feel like I am being a parent to EVERYONE and dealing with issues alone that should be shared.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 19, 2005

little whip:

Address the real issues that you're stressed out over. You're right, its not the coffeepot or the conference, its something deeper. Your needs aren't being met.

I don't know, though...do you really think it goes deeper? Because it always just seems to me like it's a face value kind of frustration. I really believe it WAS the coffee pot...

Now whether Adrian can do anything to help that situation or not is a different issue, but at least recognize the cause of the anger, thats the first step. Your needs arent being met in some way.

Hmmm...

And you're right...there are times where Adrian feels obligated to solve or fix something that is really so independent of him that he can't have any impact on it.

And to reduce worry about coffeepots left on, get one that shuts off automatically if left on for more than an hour or so, they do make em.

Haha. We had a really nice one that did that, but it started leaking so we replaced it with a $10 one with an on/off switch. Hehe.

Or do like I do, I shut it off when I pour the first cup, and just nuke my coffee if I want more later.

Good idea. Does the coffee taste the same when you microwave it?

Texas Wahine

on Nov 19, 2005

You know, thinking about this, I wonder if maybe I just have unrealistic expectations for some things? Maybe the frustration is of my own making.

Dr Guy

on Nov 19, 2005

DO not take it out on them. Stamp your feet, grit your teeth. Lock yourself in the bedroom and scream. Do not take it out on them. But they will understand. "Mom is mad, and I dont want to be in the shoes that made her mad!".

Kids may be immature in a lot of things, but mom's feelings is where they do excel.

dharmagrl

on Nov 19, 2005

Honey, it's ok to be mad. I get the impression that you're kind of beating yourself up for being pissed that Adrian couldn't make it, and I don't want you to do that because it just adds to the frustration.

Sometimes little things like burned coffeepots are the tangible things that we substitute for the untaginble, if that makes sense.

As for how the impression that you;re giving your kids...well, you're showing them that you're human, and that it's okay to be human. I think that's just fine.

Moderateman

on Nov 19, 2005

when anyone usually gets annoyed it's not what pushed them over the edge, there has been lots of build up tex, and communication MUST be a two way street or else yer pissin in a hurricane wind.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 19, 2005

Dr.Guy:

Get mad, get over it, and then explain that sometimes you get mad. ANd when you are mad, you are not necessarily mad at them. They will know when you are mad at them. Now you are mad at yourself or another.

See, this is something I really work on with them. Being little boys, they can be aggressive and lash out at times, so I have stressed that it's ok to be mad and what's important is how you react to that feeling.

I also feel like demonstrating conflict resolution between me and Adrian is a good way for them to learn how to get along with others (in other words, we don't "fight" in front of the kids, but when we have disagreements, I think it's good for them to watch and listen as we work it out so long as we're both being mature about it).

I don't think I'm being a good example about this though.

When one person in the family is tense, it's picked up by everyone, and like you said, the kids are very in tune to mommy's moods.

Haha. I don't yell. I hate shouting. It's more like just being very tense and short with others when I feel that way.

Kids may be immature in a lot of things, but mom's feelings is where they do excel.

Very good point. Thanks for the insightful reply.

dharma:

I get the impression that you're kind of beating yourself up for being pissed that Adrian couldn't make it, and I don't want you to do that because it just adds to the frustration.

I definitely have a guilt complex. I want to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife and I continually fall short. The perfect wife doesn't make her husband feel guilty or uncomfortable about inconsequential things that he has no control over. Ugh.

Sometimes little things like burned coffeepots are the tangible things that we substitute for the untaginble, if that makes sense.

Actually, it makes a lot of sense. It ties into what little whip said, too.

As for how the impression that you;re giving your kids...well, you're showing them that you're human, and that it's okay to be human. I think that's just fine.

Thank you for the affirmation. I appreciate that.

Moderateman:

when anyone usually gets annoyed it's not what pushed them over the edge, there has been lots of build up tex

That's the thing, though. I don't see what's built up. I mean, I have one of the most stress-free lives anyone could have. My husband treats me like a princess, and my children are a joy. Why do I get so frustrated about stupid things?

communication MUST be a two way street or else yer pissin in a hurricane wind

Right.

scatter629

on Nov 19, 2005

-ever think about taking up boxing as a sidesport ? Adrianne and the boys could come with you and paste up a photo of that coffeepot on the boxing bag.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 20, 2005

-ever think about taking up boxing as a sidesport ? Adrianne and the boys could come with you and paste up a photo of that coffeepot on the boxing bag.

Hahaha. My husband would die if he knew that he was being called 'Adrianne'.

Boxing's an interesting idea. Gotta channel that anger and frustration somewhere. I sometimes do Tae-Bo. Wonder if that counts? Hehe.

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 20, 2005

Boxing's an interesting idea. Gotta channel that anger and frustration somewhere

Just please, do adrian a favor, if you take it up, learn drywall too. You'll get mad while at home eventually, and without that punching bag there.........sigh, do you get the feeling I've replaced my share of sheetrock?

Definitely not just a female thing. It's drove me nuts for years that I sometimes have to tread on eggshells, because when I'm mad around Joy, she always gets insanely upset, and thinks I'm mad at her. Ironically enough, on the rare occassion that I am actually mad at her, I usually manage to piss her off enough that she doesn't care.

dynamaso

on Nov 21, 2005

I think sometimes the best thing is to get mad, let off the steam and then give yourself the clear-headed perspective that comes after. I don't necessarily agree that there is anything deep-seated. Sometimes the littlest of issues can be the most aggravating. I think you're doing well not to throw anything.

foreverserenity

on Nov 21, 2005

HOw do you address your children? With reality. Get mad, get over it, and then explain that sometimes you get mad. ANd when you are mad, you are not necessarily mad at them. They will know when you are mad at them. Now you are mad at yourself or another.
DO not take it out on them. Stamp your feet, grit your teeth. Lock yourself in the bedroom and scream. Do not take it out on them. But they will understand. "Mom is mad, and I dont want to be in the shoes that made her mad!".
Kids may be immature in a lot of things, but mom's feelings is where they do excel.

Great comment Doc!

You have to let it out, express it and then let the kids know mommy was upset. Keeping anger in is not good for you at all. Nor is it good for your marriage. It doesn't have to be a drag out fight, just expressing how you feel and why you feel the way you do will say a lot. That will validate how you feel and let him know exactly how you feel about it, perhaps enough for him to know not to let it happen again, even though it was unvoidable.

KarmaGirl

on Nov 21, 2005

I can relate to your frustrations. Even though my husband is always home (meaning not in the armed forces) he has still never gone to a parent teacher conference. He says that he trusts my judgment on what I pick up from them, so he'll just listen to what I report.

After a few broken pots, we bought a carafe and pour the coffee in it after we get out initial cups and turn the pot off. Coffee stays hot and pots don't burn.

I guess life boils down to trying to control what you can and then picking your battles with what you can't. Otherwise, even the details will become overly frustrating.

I can only imagine that there is a lot in your life that you have no control over, and when the small things, that seem like you should be able to control, go wrong, they become bigger frustrations than they really should.

I clean house when I get frustrated. It allows me to solve a problem (dirty house) and control an outcome (cleaned how I want it).

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