Disclaimer: I don't feel well today, so if this article turns bitchy, please forgive me.
Long-awaited. Much-hyped. New and improved. Whoringly-merchandised.
Yes, it's the final installment of the Star Wars prequel pack.
I live in a house with three men (ok, two of them are under 4 feet tall and wear Power Rangers underwear, but you get what I mean). They are all about this movie. We've braved the hordes of dorks in capes and red and black make-up to see the midnight showings of the other two prequels. We've beat the video games. We've bought the DVDs. We've played Jedi battle with empty paper towel rolls. We've even bought the Jar Jar Binks beanie dolls. We've done everything George Lucas has asked of us.
Last week we made a trip to the bowels of hell (also known as Wal-Mart) to develop some photos and pick up some time-killers (also known as books and GBA games) for Adrian's stint in the wilderness. While in hell, we perused a large...LARGE...selection of Star Wars Episode III toys.
Star Wars action figures. Darth Vader voice changer. Star Wars legos. Realistic Star Wars light sabers. Economy-style Star Wars light sabers. Call Upon Yoda Interactive Jedi Master. Tiny, chunky Hasbro Star Wars Heroes.
I've seen Star Wars cereal. M&Ms. Light and Dark side color-changing Cheetos.
We bought the boys both a light saber (economy...hey, the other ones were $30!) and a Darth Vader mask. They're stocked up on Star Wars-themed snack items. I've broken up no less than 5 light saber fights that started out amicably but ended in brutality. Every person in our family has been forced to wear a Darth Vader mask at least once. I have been asked incessantly whether I want to be on the dark side or the light side. In fact, the boys have taken to wearing their old Star Wars skivvies as often as possible.
So, what are the marketers thinking when they load 4 and 7 year olds up with Star Wars-themed chocolate and Cheetos and allow them to build little Legos Episode III scenarios and jab each other with glowing Jedi sabers only to tell them later, "Sorry kids, this movie's for grown-ups"?
WTF?
I understand that Lucas has a story to tell. I understand that Star Wars fanatics are craving something edgier and more on-par with modern sci-fi movies. And the director and the actors and all the fans can say it's a movie for adults all they want, but how do they reconcile that with the blatantly child-oriented merchandising? Cotton candy cigarettes, anyone?
My children don't know yet that the movie is too gruesome and gory for them to watch. They have been looking forward to going to see the movie with their daddy, armed with their latest Star Wars gear, for some time now.
They will be devastated.
It's almost to the point where Adrian and I say "screw it" and take them anyways and cover their eyes when the dead bodies of slain Jedi children cover the screen.
It's completely unethical to market the movie the way they have (particularly considering that the previous films have been family-friendly, if intense) when they knew that the movie's contents would earn a PG-13 (parents strongly cautioned, some material could be inappropriate for children under 13) rating.
In the words of Ron Burgundy, this is bushleague! Bushleague!