I've always respected the wisdom of people older than myself. Life experience is a great teacher. And life has taught me some lessons of my own.
Some things I've learned:
You should order your pizza no less than an hour before you plan to be hungry.
If you leave a magazine on the porch swing, the puppy will eat it.
Permanent marker doesn't come off floors.
Two wrongs really don't make a right.
The Pop Rocks chemistry set doesn't really change colors and it tastes like tangy, crystallized crap.
If all the pens in the house have disappeared, check the bottom of your purse.
You really can't eat just one.
If you put the garbage out the night before garbage day, the truck will come late in the afternoon. If you forget and try to put it out when you get up in the morning, the truck will have already been by.
It is possible to write a research paper in one night so long as you already have your research notes ready. It is possible to go to work after spending all night writing a research paper. It is possible to cook dinner and do laundry when you get home after working all day and spending the previous night writing a research paper. It is not possible for your husband to successfully initiate sex after you have stayed up all night writing a research paper and then worked all day and then come home and cooked dinner and washed the laundry.
You shouldn't wear mascara to the beach.
If you unhook it from the back and then slip your arms out of the straps one at a time, you can remove your bra without removing your shirt.
A four year old CAN vacuum the living room rug. How's that for child development?
No one believes you when you pull your finger out of your nose and say, "I was just scratchin."
It's either under one of the kids' beds, under the couch, or on top of the dryer. If you don't find it there, it's lost.
Geckos have gooey yellow guts.
A diet soda does not offset the calories from a Snickers bar.
Acting helpless and sweet will get you better service, more refunds, and extra fries.
Nothing's sexier in bed than enthusiasm.
Just because they sell it in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it.
You can hold it in for years on end, but the day you accidentally let one rip, your nickname will be Farty-pants McGee for the rest of your life.
If it's shaped like Shrek or has color-changing sprinkles on it, your kids will eat it. It doesn't matter what it is.
The ocean is really, really, really salty.
If they are talking about someone else to you, they are talking about you to someone else.
Don't leave a glass of milk sitting out over night. Someone will get up in the morning and drink it.
The best way to clean a floor is on your hands and knees with a scrubbing pad, an old towel, and a spray bottle filled with Fabuloso.
If you give a kids a disposable bowl with a metal spoon and tell them to go put it away, they will put the bowl in the sink and the spoon in the trash. Every. Time.
A glass of Orange Juice and a couple motrin are an excellent hangover remedy.
Anna Nicole's new body is not the result of Trim Spa pills. Really.
Children are honest. If you want to know if your butt looks big, if your hair looks silly, if the enchiladas were good, or if you drew a good rainbow for the bake sale poster, ask a kid.
If you go to bed without pajama bottoms, you will not get any sleep.
Penguins smell bad. Soooooo bad.
Kids don't need a bath EVERY day. Swimming in the ocean or going to the pool or waterpark count as a bath.
Jeans can be worn more than once. Underwear cannot.
Tongue rings and Shredded Wheat do not go well together.
Family is the most important thing there is.