I am fat.  I'm a fat chick.

While impressive lies will get you far in life, I am more comfortable with the unflattering truth.  My life has been filled with the lies of others, but for some reason honesty has always felt more like home to me.  This is a disadvantage, obviously, since I am not adored by hordes of people, but I am not able to shape a lie into something that seems reasonable and plausible, although I can exaggerate for entertainment's sake.

One of my truths is that I am not, and will likely never be, a small person.  I was small (although I didn't think so) when I was in high school (before I had kids), and there's probably a small person somewhere inside me yearning desperately to be let free, but truthfully, I'm all about food and gluttonly.  My husband has, on several ocassions, been impressed by the sheer volume of food I can put away.  I am not an "order salad to impress someone" girl.  It's just not in me to do that. 

In my life, I am thinnest a few months after childbirth.  Breastfeeding and the rigors of labor take the weight off me like nothing else can.  I can do Weight Watchers (and I was a WW Leader for a time!) and lose weight, but nothing is as effective as the new mother diet.

I lost weight after Xavier, and I thought I was fat, but I was a completely healthy...thin even...weight. I dieted and worked out before Orian and was healthy and slim...and after him, I was VERY thin.  I loved it.  I ate whatever I wanted and the weight kept falling off.  Alas, when he weaned my weight crept up.  Before Isabella I was at a completely unhealthy weight and after I had her I slid back down to a decent weight. 

I was 5'5" and 150 (or so!) when Isabella was about 10 months old and my husband came back from Iraq.  I know that sounds like a terrible weight, but I felt good and I felt like I looked ok in my clothes.  I was excited to be in 10s again.

Since then, my weight has rocketed skyward.  My husband loves to eat and encourages me to indulge and I'm happy to oblige him. He's never been negative about my weight or made me feel bad about my body, and when I'm happy...I eat!

I have no idea what I weigh today.  No scales.  I do know that the jeans that are currently comfortable are a size 14.  At my most recent bra fitting I was a 32 HH.  I need XL in anything that is sold in stores.  So, I feel it's pretty safe to say that I'm fat. 

It bothers me.  We've been eating a lot of fast food and junk.  I haven't been drinking much water.  And I have not exercised at all.  It's not a surprise that my weight has gone up.  But it still hurts to look in the mirror and see a fat chick.

But that's real.  That's me.  I'm a fat chick.  I'm not going to lie.  I hope to get a handle on my weight when we get into our house, but I can't make any promises.  I may be fat forever.