OK, let's start simple.

There are these big, thick white stripes painted on a road in areas where a person might possibly want to cross the street.

For example, a hotel with a Red Lobster across the street might have one.  A block of houses adjacent to a school might have one.  A barracks across from a convenience store might have one.

These things are very, very common and quite easy to pick out.  Just look for large white stripes painted on the ground and old ladies, small children, Soldiers with iPods, or women with strollers walking on top of them.

Sometimes these stripey wonders are accompanied by lights with hands and walking stick figures and other symbols.  We won't get into this, though, as I feel it is far too advanced a subject matter.

So, you are driving in your metal box on wheels and you notice grandma slowpoke and a couple of grab-assing teenagers smack dab in the middle of one of these designated walking areas.  What should you do?

I know you're very busy talking to your sister-in-law on your cell phone about Greys Anatomy and that your Burger King hashbrowns will get cold if you don't get home soon, BUT driving straight through the occupied crosswalk is the wrong answer.

Or as my husband would say, "That's the wrong mother-fucking answer".  He uses profanity.

Ok, so you can't run over people you see on the crosswalk (or in the unmarked street for that matter).  What CAN you do?

Despite the inconvenience of your vehicle remaining stationary for 3-5 seconds, stopping is neccessary to avoid a lengthy court battle and possible prison rape.  You must stop BEFORE you reach the striped lines.

This is accomplished by taking your eyes off the Snow Patrol CD you're trying to jam into your CD player and looking ahead at the road.  Seeing people in the approaching distance is your signal to begin gently applying your breaks.  Don't slam on them, you don't want to spill your Dannon Light Yogurt Smoothie.

What if, perhaps, you look up and see a woman in glasses with a baby strapped to her chest approaching the crosswalk and notice that she will most certainly be IN the crosswalk by the time you reach the intersection where the crosswalk is located?

That woman is me.  Don't run over me.  That would, again, be the "wrong mother-fucking answer".

While I agree the purpose of, and rules surrounding, the presence of a crosswalk is very, very confusing and inconvenient when you're in a hurry to get to Wal-Mart before the parking lot gets too full, but it's always better to stop. 

When stopping, remember that if you stop on top of the white stripes of the crosswalk, the woman in glasses with the baby strapped on will not be able to complete her journey from the curb nearest the school to the curb nearest the higher enlisted family housing.  I may become very angry with you.  Especially if the wind off your dirty beige SUV ruffles my hair as you stop in the middle of the crosswalk that I have already entered.

Since I have a baby with me, I will likely NOT beat your ass.  Still, if I make you stop so I can bitch at you, you might get home late and miss a few minutes of Regis and Kelly.  Neither of us want that. 

So, let's review:

Big white stripes on the road with people on top of them = crosswalk.

No ensert-y Snow Patrol CD while approaching crosswalk-y.

Vehicular manslaughter conviction does not look good on Bath & Bodyworks job application form.

Parking on top of crosswalk while I am in it = you miss Kelly Ripa's witty banter.

As difficult a concept as this is to wrap your Extra-Strength Midol and Starbucks Cinnamon and Cream Latte-soaked brain around, stopping at a crosswalk is the RIGHT answer.  The right mother-fucking answer.

You might want to write that down.