Blue Christmas

Published on December 24, 2006 By Texas Wahine In Blogging

There's an angry little rain cloud following me around.

We watched Home Alone. It wasn't funny.

We listened to Christmas music. It wasn't jolly.

We ordered pizza. It wasn't pizza-y.

The boys are making gingerbread houses with assorted candies and graham crackers. It isn't precious.

Ok, it is precious, but it still doesn't feel right. This is not my first Christmas without him, and not my last, either, I'm sure, but his absence numbs me to the excitement and joy I should be feeling.

I'm lucky. I'm here with the children. I get to hear their Santa jokes and see our newborn's smile (yes, she is smiling already, and no, it's not gas) and watch the boys rip into their packages tomorrow morning. He's not even fortunate enough to be stationed somewhere where things are all playful and harmonious. He'll have no cute little Christmas tales. It's going to suck for him.

Instead of making me feel happy and fortunate, it just makes me feel worse.

I hate being so grinchy because the boys need me to feed into their enjoyment of the holiday and make things special for them. And HE wants me to be happy and have fun...he insists. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that there's some sort of buffer between me and Christmas that keeps me from experiencing it the way I should. I'm trying hard to be peppy and full of holiday cheer and crap like that.

I'm just tired and I miss him so much.

He's supposed to call me and wake me up tomorrow morning so that he can be there for Christmas morning over the phone. I hope that works out. He only gets 15 minutes, but I guess that's better than nothing.

Gah, I'm such a grouch.

Comments

foreverserenity

on Dec 24, 2006

(((Brandie))) Smooches and I feel for you nods. Here's hoping you will find that spirit somehow.

Shovelheat

on Dec 24, 2006

I just can't seem to shake the feeling that there's some sort of buffer between me and Christmas that keeps me from experiencing it the way I should.

I understand that feeling perfectly. But Merry Christmas anyway, Brandie.

kingbee

on Dec 25, 2006

first off, congratulations! until a couple days ago when i ran across pix of your new daughter, i wasn't aware she'd arrived. i didn't comment on the pix post because someone showed up here just as i scrolling through the responses; i was intending to track that blog down but since this is right here in front of me...

if asked whether gingerbread houses were still being constructed, i woulda been very skeptical. i'm sure there's no lack of interest on the part of untold numbers of prospective builders should they be given the option. i could be wrong but it seemed to me one of those pasttimes very likely well on its way to joining stick-and-hoop play and cornshuck dollmaking on a shelf in the arcane section of the museum of stuff that went terminaly outta fashion.

obviously that aint the case at your house. more evidence (as if any was needed) of what lucky kids they are to have you for a mom.

I'm trying hard to be peppy and full of holiday cheer and crap like that.

that's about as close as i ever get under normal circumstances (your take on it set me to ho-ho-hoing btw, complete with some belly-jigglin-like-a-bowl-fulla-jelly action; having finally recovered from a really nasty case of stomach flu, there's no danger at all of me running to windows and throwing up sashes n stuff).

i truly hope all of you are able to connect tomorrow and for things to seem a lil more festive for you from there on.

ParaTed2k

on Dec 25, 2006

I know there is nothing that can be said that will make you feel better. The man you love is doing the job he signed on to do... even if it isn't where he'd like to do it... and you are doing the job you signed on to do also.

After all the "we're proud of you", "I can't imagine what you're going through", "you are a hero" "(((((((((Brandie))))))))" and other accolades, words and gestures of respect and admiration are said... comes the time when you are stuck earning them.

For you, there is nothing left but making sure the emptiness you feel does not get in the way of your kids enjoyment of Christmas... and making sure you are there for them the way he can't be there for you.

Here's wishing we could take even the smallest part of the sting from you. You know you are in my prayers and how much we all stand by you... most of all, please know how much we love you... not for what you are going through, but just because.

Bunnahabhain

on Dec 25, 2006

Sending (((Love))) your way...Merry Christmas Brandie & company!!!

Toblerone

on Dec 25, 2006

Our Christmas eve was utterly shithouse as well. I won't explain here, but rest assured I can sympathise.

All the best,

Kenny

KellyW0498

on Dec 26, 2006

I hope you were able to talk to your husband and share with him that way.

I have no idea what you are going through, but I sure am sorry you are having to go through it.

(((Brandie)))

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