Today is definitely a "down" day.

I've had bad dreams about Adrian consistently for the past week.  It's strange how dreams can filter into our waking lives and leave us feeling scared or worried or paranoid or any other host of bad feelings.  The feelings can be so intense it's as if we've actually experienced our dreams.

Each night my dream is different, but the theme is always that he manages to come home (he gets leave or the Army decides to send him home for the weekend, haha, like that's going to happen), and circumstances or his choices keep us apart the entire time.

And there's always weirdness like dead hamsters or some such mixed in for good measure.

Of course, I had one dream where I bit the tip of his finger almost completely off, so that could be why he's avoiding me.

More than what happens in the dreams, is how they make me feel.  I wonder if it's true that dreams will stop when you resolve the cause of them?

Anyway, I miss him.  I'm worried about him.  Very worried.  It's such a long time before he is home again, and I'm trying to mentally block it off into managable chunks of time. 

I'm emotional as well, although I'm not sure if it's the baby blues, his leaving, or my just being nutty.  My mom had been taking the boys to school for most of last week, and yesterday morning was my first time to start back up since I had the baby.  Mornings were hectic before Isabella, and her arrival hasn't made them any easier despite the fact that she is a very pleasant baby. 

When I came home from walking them to school, Isabella and I took a nap together (I should have worked on housework while I had the opportunity, but I was wiped out).  My mom later asked me if she could start taking the boys to school again so that I could rest. 

I started crying.  I asked, "I didn't do a very good job?"

Now, I'm not the most confident person in the world, but all the crying I've done since Isabella's birth is definitely not like me.  I hate being weak and crying. 

I've also found that I'm really sad about not being pregnant anymore.  How crazy is that? 

Sometimes I feel like myself, but other times I just feel very sad or overwhelmed.  I guess that is normal.  I just wish I could have my husband home.  I CAN do everything by myself.  I just don't want to.

This is the way it has to be, but it still sucks.

I didn't intend to write a whiny post...I actually had some positive thoughts about breastfeeding and petroleum jelly (separately) that I wanted to share.  Heh, that wasn't what came out, though.

My apologies.

BTW, here's a photo of baby girl in one of the t-shirts Sabrina bought for her.  I love it.