I constantly feel guilty when it comes to my kids.  I feel like I don't do enough for them.  I feel like I let them down or disappoint them.

Sometimes they will tell me about their disappointment.  I didn't put enough juice boxes in their lunch box.  I forgot to send them in their sneakers for P.E.  All those little details that I can't manage to keep a handle on despite calendars and schedules.

I feel like there's this fine line between being there for my children and enjoying their activities and being roped into "helper" status where I have to be mindful of EVERYONE'S children instead of my own.  I've done that before and I'm not interested.  I feel guilty about that, too, and I know that moms are needed to help with pretty much everything the children participate in, but it sucks so much of the enjoyment out when I can't focus on my own child and when I'm busy plotting and planning and helping other kids.

I'm selfish that way.  I am primarily interested in doing for MY children.  If it is convenient and doesn't take away from my kids, I'll help another child.

I know that the "helper moms" judge me for not coordinating crafts or supervising field trips, and I do feel bad, but I just don't want to do those things.

I try to involve my kids in lots of experiences.  Not to the point where they are overwhelmed and over-scheduled, but so that they are learning, seeing, and doing new things and interacting with other children regularly.

I always end up dropping the ball on something, though.  I get so worn out.  One recent Saturday I didn't take the kids on the Tiger Cub Zoo Adventure.  I was so tired, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I did take them to the Fall Festival so that they could help the pack with a fundraiser, but the "fun" trip to the zoo didn't happen.

My youngest was disappointed.  And it crushed me.

Last weekend we were supposed to participate in Make a Difference Day, but that didn't happen, either.  By the time Saturday morning rolls around, I just feel like I need some space to breathe and a little bit of rest. 

My youngest was disappointed then, too.  He actually had tears.  I felt so bad. 

Since I have these two boys and they're both Scouts, I take them to each others' outings.  I realize that it would be good for them to each have their own activities, but logistically, this just works out better.  And they do enjoy doing things together.  So, on Sunday, he got to go on big brother's trip to the Maritime Museum and see the Humpback Whale skeleton and help assemble an outrigger canoe and go aboard a very old ship. 

Yesterday was Sports Day at school and we didn't have sports costumes ready, so they went to school in regular clothes.  I felt bad about that.  Spirit week isn't fun if you skip stuff. 

Then I had to run to my Labor & Delivery tour at the hospital, and I left them with grandma so they could do their homework and chores.  I bought them each a mini deck of cards as a treat, and I was sad to not be there to see their reaction to it.  I did teach them how to play Solitaire last night.

Here's where the BIG guilt comes in, though.  Today was my youngest child's classroom's "Egypt Day".  The other classes (besides First Grade) wore Halloween costumes to school today, but my child's class is making Egyptian costumes.

I didn't sign up to help, but I came to the school as a visitor and he was so happy.  He just wanted to talk and talk and talk to me.  I helped him with some of his projects and I took pictures of him.  They rotated rooms for different activities and in one room they had a mummy ceremony.  All the lights were out, and there were candles lit.  The teachers had a dummy on a table (with organs!) and demonstrated the mummification process.

The children loved it, especially when the brain was "pulled out" with a hook.  It was great Halloween-ish display and fun learning. 

I stayed until lunch, but by that time my back was hurting and I was REALLY hungry.  I hadn't pre-paid for a lunch, so I could have stayed with him, but I wouldn't have been able to eat.  I loved watching him, and I wanted to do more with him, but my body felt done. 

When we would go to different classrooms he would put his arms around my belly and rest his head on it, and walk just like that, embracing my protruding stomach.  He even blows me kisses in public.

He didn't want me to leave.  He wanted me to have lunch with him and then watch him do more activities.  It hurt so much to tell him that I didn't think I would be able to.  I know I should have stayed.  I don't want him to be one of the children who needs someone else's parent to help him with the glue because his parent didn't bother to show up. 

This morning I got up super early so that I would have time to do my oldest's face paint for his Halloween costume.  He is so happy it's Halloween, but I felt so bad when he told me he liked his face paint from last time better than this time.  I wanted to really make him feel special.  And he didn't complain; he was happy.  But I felt bad for not "wowing" him.

Sometimes being a mom can be so painful.  I love these boys more than I can possibly express, and I feel like I am constantly letting them down in numerous ways, both big and small.  I think that maybe someday when they're older, they will look back on all this and have bad feelings toward me or feel like their childhoods were not what they should or could have been.

I feel so eaten up by guilt.