Most everyone I spent the last 3 years getting to know have moved.  We're still here for who knows how long (not that I'm complaining).

New neighbors are like a box of chocolates.

I want to introduce you to my new neighbor, Scrawny*.

Scrawny moved in with his active duty wife and his two daughters.  His oldest daughter is maybe 9 or so and she is Amy Poehler's "Kaitlyn" character personified.  Rick!! Rick!! Rick!!!! Can I go to the pool, Rick? Rick!! Rick!! Rick!!

The little one has a name that I have yet to hear as she is always referred to by cutesy fart terminology.  She appears to be about one or maybe one and a half. 

When Scrawny moved in we were told that he was a former Marine.  Impressive, right?  Well, the guy looks like he weighs about 120 lbs.  But maybe the Marines needed him to crawl through air vents and retrieve keys from behind couches.  I don't know.

He was friendly.  Oh, he was so friendly.  He wanted to help.  With Anything.  Do you need help carrying in your groceries?  Need help with that box?  If you ever need anything, let me know.

Then his wife left for Iraq. 

Scrawny was still crazy friendly.   But mostly crazy.  He shaved his head.  Then his eyebrows.  Then his armpits.  That brought him down to 119.8 lbs. 

Turns out the man does not have a driver's license.  I don't know why.  I won't ask.

But what he DOES have is some weird guy living in his garage.  His garage-buddy is an Active Duty Soldier who has a leather recliner, a plasma TV, a surround sound system, an entertainment center, a dresser, and a mattress arranged neatly in the garage.  He also owns a large blue cooler that is ALWAYS filled with ice cold Bud Light. 

It's weird (and against housing rules), but not my business, right?

Scrawny has let me know that he will be glad to help me with whatever I need.  Isn't he great?  He volunteers at the school.  Terrific!  When he walks "Kaitlyn" to school, he's bubbly and friendly and has upbeat, educational conversations with his girls and the stray neighbor kids he picks up along the way.

He had an adorable dog name Zeus*.  He introduced us to the cute little pup and let us pet and adore him.  Then when we weren't home he took Zeus over and let him take super cute little doggy shits in my yard.  Of course, he got tired of taking care of the doggy shit-machine and decided to get rid of him.

No more Zeus.  And no more doggy shits in my yard.

It seems like Scrawny is the just the most helpful, involved neighbor and father there ever was.  He's just so nice and devoted to his kids.

He asked my children to go to "Kaitlyn"s birthday party.  Oh, they had fun.  He was the entertaining dad wearing a grass skirt and shell lei.  How terrific.  My boys came home with goody bags FILLED with delightful candies.

Then one of my kids had a birthday party.  Scrawny was definitely bringing his girls.  Then he had something to do with "Kaitlyn" and might not make it...but he'd buy a present.  That's the right thing to do.  That's how he "rolls"...any less would be unacceptable.

He brought his girls to the birthday party.  An hour late.  He went to the beach with friends and lost track of time.  He didn't have a gift, but here's 5 bucks.  And he played with the toys and oh he was such an exciting addition to the party.  What a great dad!

I offered him some pinata candy to take home.  No thanks.  But no thanks wasn't enough.  I got a TEN MINUTE lecture about how his children aren't allowed candy.  He's such a concerned father.  How good of him to monitor his children's sugar intake. 

Also included, free of charge, was a tirade against Build-a-Bear workshop (we had given "Kaitlyn" a mini-build-a-bear as a birthday gift).

Such a great guy.  Such a great father.

When he's in his house I hear him screaming and cursing at his children.  When he's in his house, I hear the LOOOOOUD porno playing (hope the baby's asleep!).  I hear the children crying.  I hear it all.

Nice daddy isn't so nice.  Nice daddy needs some kind of medication or something.  I don't think I'll be letting nice daddy bring in my water bottles anymore. 

Nice daddy is kind of weird. 

*Names have been changed to protect the bizarre and the defecating.