I'm an ass . . . I'll admit it.
In fact, it's almost a term of endearment for me (and for those I care about, too . . . you know I like you when I call you an ass).
But how do you know if you are an ass?
Well, obviously, understanding ass-ness is like trying to tell a rainbow to stop being a rainbow. However, there are some clues . . . some guidelines . . . that can help you determine whether or not you might be an ass.
1. You laugh at the misfortune of others. You hee-haw when your jerky neighbor locks his keys in his car. You crack up when your spouse steps in dog doo. You find it hilarious when one of your friends gets racked or walks into a glass door.
2. When your child comes to you early in the morning to complain of some huge pressing problem (like that his brother stole his yo-yo or that her sister is making an experiment in the bathroom involving the toilet, eggs, a stapler, and a bottle of ketchup) and you tell him or her, "Not now. I'm sleeping." And you mean it.
3. Someone offers you the last can of soda, the last slice of pizza, the last Hershey's Kiss . . . and you take it. Every time. Sometimes you even sneak it for yourself and then pretend like you have no idea what happened to it.
4. You lovingly call your spouse or S.O. things like "dipshit" and "jerkface."
5. You listen to music that annoys your friends or family on purpose. Loudly. (ha ha ha, enjoy the Nirvana, Orian!)
6. If you're a guy, you leave the toilet seat up . . . if you're a girl, you spread all your bizarre beauty products all over the bathroom counter so that there is absolutely no room for anyone or anything else.
7. You draw pictures of friends and loved ones and make them look like the Canadians on South Park.
8. When your neighbors leave cigarette butts on your driveway you pick them up and place them carefully into their lawn chairs, or when you're feeling naughty, into their coffee mugs.
9. You tell your children that you are a vampire and that you want to suck their blood. You laugh when they believe you.
10. You spit in your boss' c-c-c-c-cooler. Everyday. Enjoy your ice, Mr. Boss. muahahahahahahahaha
11. You convince your friends that they did something really embarrassing or stupid while they were drunk, just for laughs (Yeah, you did show me those nude pics of you. You showed everyone. They were great. ha ha ha).
12. When Jehovah's Witnesses begin sharing the good news with you, you look at them lustfully and coo, "I'm really interested. Do you accept open homosexuals?"
13. You think it's funny to freak your neighbors out by rhythmically banging against your shared wall and moaning loudly while reciting your grocery list or saying, "Mmmm . . . ohhhhh . . . Pikaaaaachuuuuu!"
14. When your friends or spouse send you to the video store to pick up Riddick, you pick get Anchorman instead (or whatever you wanted to watch) and tell them that Riddick was all out.
15. You beat your children mercilessly at Mario Kart, and then tell them, "Eat it, loser!"
16. You find it funny to wake your spouse up several hours early and shriek at them, "Oh, no! You slept late! You're late for work!" (Also works for kids and school)
17. You selfishly use all the hot water up for your long, lazy bath, and then pretend to have not realized that everyone else in the house would have to take cold showers.
18. You've pulled your friends' or spouses' pants down to their ankles, just for laughs.
19. More times than you can count you have tried to convince someone that they had mustard on their cheek or spinach in their teeth when they really didn't and found it funny every single time.
20. You read this blog and rubbed your chin and said, "Hmmm . . . that's nothing. I can top that!"