Published on August 17, 2008 By Texas Wahine In Blogging

I took a "vacation" back to Hawaii in my dreams last night.

There was no plane ride.  I was just there.  Adrian was there, too.  Unfortunately, he had meetings or other work-related tasks all day, everyday.  We were there on a Monday through a Friday, but the time passed like it was a single day.  It would suddenly be dark and night-time without there having been any time to explore or reminisce. 

The entire time I was sad and frustrated at having such beauty and such amazing experiences right there at my disposal and being completely unable to enjoy them.

I would prepare for the day, and it would be dark before I could begin to enjoy anything.  And it was so dark.  Even Waikiki, where we were staying, was pitch black with not even a single city light to illuminate Diamond Head.

The last day I tried to get everything in.  I would have to go alone since Adrian was working.  I planned to drive around Oahu and visit Hanauma Bay and stop at shops and pick up gifts and t-shirts. 

I miss Hawaii.  I miss it terribly.  Sometimes it almost feels like it physically hurts.  I know that sounds stupid, but it was such an amazing place, and I really loved it.  How lucky am I to have lived in Hawaii?

I loved how beautiful it was.  I loved how comfortable I felt navigating and doing things in my little realm.  The base was lovely and easy to understand.  I had activities and connections and friends.  Things were comfortable.  Nothing was uncertain or new.  And the most amazing experiences were available to us at any time for little to no money.

We could still be in Hawaii.  It was an option.  We chose to PCS, and for good reason.  If we were still there, I would be saying good-bye to Adrian again this fall.  I know it was the best decision.

But we loved Hawaii.

I don't miss our house.  The duplex with neighbors crammed up against us and school-house floors constantly covered with red dirt.  No privacy and no real feeling of ownership or permanence or investment in our home.

That's about all I don't miss, though.

I wanted to get back to Texas because I missed my family.  My family isn't really family much anymore, anyways, though.  And the family that is family I never see anyways.  Everyone is too busy. Besides, Adrian and the boys ARE my family.  I guess that's all I need, although it does hurt sometimes.

In Hawaii I had friends and people I spent time with.  I am not good at seeking out opportunities to make friends or following up with friendships.  I guess it was just because we were all there and we all needed help and support, so it was easier to make friends.  I had people who made me get out and do things with them.  I'm not like that at all.  I don't initiate things.  I had friends who made extra effort to include me in things. 

There was FRG and Cub Scouts and La Leche League and PTA and just lots of people I knew.  I don't know anyone here.  I know Dana.  And I am so glad I know her.  Adrian has a few people here that he knows from Hawaii, and that I kind of know.  I got to go to a BBQ that was both fun and awkward.  I feel too busy at home to make extra effort to get out and meet people.  I don't guess I feel bad about that, but I must because here I am writing about how much I missed the interaction in Hawaii.

I have joined a Natural Childbirth group here and I know it will be fun to get out and meet other women in that context.  I got to know other moms when I walked the boys to and from school in Hawaii, but here they walk themselves, and when I walk them, the other moms don't seem interested in a friendly smile or small talk.  There's always Bumble Bee Book Club I guess.

I miss how special Hawaii was.  I always thought when we were there that I wanted to get away from all the horrible traffic, but there's horrible traffic everywhere.  

I guess everything felt so familiar there.  I know it didn't at first, but it really seemed like home.  I was used to everything.  I liked how things were.

I miss the beauty.  I don't see how anyone couldn't.  This place is not as horrible as a lot of people want to make it out to be, but it's no Hawaii, that's for damn sure.  

There's so much sun and so little rain that grass is already getting yellow.  I miss mountains and trees and green.  I miss driving and seeing the ocean on the horizon.  I miss sand in my hair and I miss my sushi place.  I miss the commissary.  Can you believe I miss the commissary?  I'm just used to it.  It seems right to me.  

I miss the little walk to the school where the view of the mountains and palm trees were so picturesque.  I always thought, I should bring a camera and take a picture of this because I want to keep it forever.  But I never remembered to do it.  Plus I thought everyone would think I was a weirdo.

I was looking forward to moving here, thinking it would be great to experience the seasons.  We are too South, though.  Will it be crisp and cool and rainy like Fall here?  Will the trees change or will the leaves just fall off and become instant ugly?  I know I shouldn't expect snow.  Kind of depressing to be in Texas and not get to enjoy Texas weather.  We don't even really get thunderstorms here.  

I hate...I mean really hate...the maternity care here.  The health care here in general.  The women's clinic is crowded and horrible.  With Isabella I had my family doctor, who I had had a relationship with for years prior, as my doctor for most of the pregnancy, and I felt listened to and understood and valued.  Here it seems like women are cattle.  And a lot of the women I see in the clinic are trash.  I know that sounds horrible, but yuck.  Really horrible to their kids and just generally gross and disrespectful.

I also am feeling very limited in my health care choices and it's stressing me out.

I love my new house, though.  I really, really, love it.  Everyday I think about how much I love it.  It is humble, but really great for us.  That's what I try to dwell on.  My husband is home, my kids are happy, and I love my house.

I didn't really mean for this article to turn into a whining session, but apparently that was in there and needed to come out, LOL. 

So, yeah, I miss Hawaii.

 


Comments
on Aug 17, 2008
((())

I miss Spain, too, for what it's worth. (
on Aug 17, 2008

I'm sorry you are homesick.

Hawaii was your home for several years, it'd be weird if you didn't miss it.

I can honestly say, every time we move, I go through exactly this.  Almost without fail the culmination of all the little things will happen while I am driving and trying to get to an appt and get lost.  Then I start making a tally of all the things that are different (read: not as good) as the last place I loved.

The reason you probably didn't notice going through this in Hawaii, or this extreme is because of the number of kids you have, AND, when you get to go somewhere amazing, it seems to compensate for the suckiness of having to learn everything all over.

It takes a good 12 months in a decent respectable place for me to get comfortable, and be able to judge a place on its own merit and not how it compares to the last place.  With the worst part falling usually between 4-6 months, after we're settled in, and every things put away, a schedule is started and I look around and NO FRIENDS!

hahahaha.  Sound familiar?

I know you are smart enough to search out your own adult interaction...but finding a local play group, a neighborhood one for Izzy, will really get you on the road to meeting friends.  If there isn't' one, you can start one by making flyers.

If all else fails you can join the enlisted wives club on base.  That's usually a gamble tho.  Half the time its fantastic, and others you can't wait to get away from them.

Hang in there Brandie.  Anyone who is lucky enough to be your friend in real life is gonna stick around.

on Aug 17, 2008

Who can blame you for missing Hawaii?!  But like you said, you were lucky to have lived there at all.  When you were there you missed TX, right?  There are things that I miss about our first apartment together but sure wouldn't go back!

I'm sure you and your kids will make lots of new friends in no time.  You haven't been back for that long.  As far as horrible traffice goes, I think LA and Dallas were the worst I have ever witnessed.

on Aug 17, 2008

Thanks, San Cho.  Right back atcha.  Will you be visiting Spain again in the near-ish future?

The thing that sucks is, even when you go back, things are never the same, LOL.


Tova:  That was really, really reassuring.  A lot of people complain that this is the worst duty station/city.  I don't think it's horrible at all, but it's such a change from Hawaii.  It doesn't seem like there's a lot to do that doesn't require a long drive or a fair amount of money.  We are close-ish to Austin, but we went there a couple weeks ago (there is not a single store in our city that sells bras in my size, no exaggeration...we had to drive to Austin to buy BRAS, LOL), and it seemed like such a hassle.

I guess, too, we don't know yet all the things there are to do around here.

I think I adjusted better to Hawaii because it was a unique place and also I was on my own a lot, so it was figure out where things are and get to know people or...well, that was my only option, haha.

I do think a play group would be a great idea.  Only having one vehicle limits me to activities within a walking distance for the most part, but if they have the Bumble Bee Book Club (toddler reading/play meeting) at the school this year, we will do that again. 

I have never heard of an enlisted wives club!  I think I do need to take more time to find out what all groups and organizations there are associated with the base. 

I really do appreciate your encouragment and you sharing your experiences.  I know I will feel more comfy with time, and most of the time I don't feel sad, but for some reason more and more I am missing Hawaii! 

Jill:  I know a lot of people try their entire military careers to get stationed in Hawaii and it never happens, so we were super lucky!

I know I will get more adjusted to how things are here in time.  It seems like it should feel like home already, and in some ways it does, but I'm not quite there yet!

I did miss Texas when I was in Hawaii, although not as much as I miss Hawaii now, I think, LOL.

I guess a big part of it is that my extended family went through a lot of changes while I was gone and I came home to a completely different family situation, and that is really bothering me a lot lately.  I won't go into it, but ugh, life is so messy.

I get frustrated by traffic everywhere, I think!  Here traffic is ok except for certain times and certain areas.  In Hawaii, there was almost always gridlock traffic, even on the highway!  And forget about finding parking.

Of course, I thought traffic was bad in San Antonio and Houston, too.  The only place I think traffic is just right in is Amarillo, haha. 

Thank you all for indulging me and letting me complain!

on Aug 17, 2008

I have never heard of an enlisted wives club!

I am sure the Army has them.  Ask your hubby who the ranking enlisted guy is in the battalion?  OR whatever the Army uses, (we have squadrons), then give his wife a call.  Even if she's not involved she will be able to point you in the right direction.

Then you can carpool or whatever, and for AF we have child care while the women get together and socialize and plan fun events (one of ours was a "dining in" just for the wives, and we had a "twisted fairy tale" theme..we wrote short skits and performed them at the club over dinner and drinks, and best skits, costumes, props won awards..oh and free child care, woot!)....its a great place to meet women in EXACTLY the same place you are in....but like I said, depending on leadership it can be really great, or really catty...but its worth checking out.

on Aug 17, 2008

I miss the little walk to the school where the view of the mountains and palm trees were so picturesque. I always thought, I should bring a camera and take a picture of this because I want to keep it forever. But I never remembered to do it. Plus I thought everyone would think I was a weirdo.
  Do you have any friends that still live there?  Ask them to snap a picture for you and email it.  And who cares what other people think...we're not weird we're just cooler than them - lol. 

I guess it was just because we were all there and we all needed help and support, so it was easier to make friends.
  Honestly, that is one of the nice things about living on base.  Everyone is away from their families and support system so your friends quickly become like family.  Plus you are all usually close in age with kids close in ages.  It makes it easier.  I had a hard time when I first moved here.  I don't have a lot of friends but I have one super great friend who has helped me tremendously. 

I miss Hawaii. I miss it terribly. Sometimes it almost feels like it physically hurts. I know that sounds stupid, but it was such an amazing place, and I really loved it. How lucky am I to have lived in Hawaii?

I don't think it's stupid.  I almost started crying looking at someone's Italian vacation pictures just because I wanted to go so badly.  How silly is that?  Hopefully you will be able to go back someday.   Maybe for vacation.  Maybe to live.  If you truly love it there, I am sure you will find a way. 

on Aug 19, 2008

I'd miss Hawaii too if I'd lived there and then had to leave.  I don't blame you one bit for missing it.  Having grown up in a service family, I know how difficult it can be to establish new friendships, particularly when you've come from a place where you had a lot of good friends and activities.  But I'm sure you will find them, Tex.

By the way, do you notice whether you dream more vividly when pregnant?  Just curious...

on Aug 19, 2008

I miss Hawaii too and I was only there for a week. I can relate.

Your new place will feel like home soon. It took me a few years to feel comfortable here. Now, I call it home.

 

on Aug 19, 2008

p.s. after reading LW's comment the tourism of her town is going to fly through the roof. LOL

on Aug 21, 2008

p.s. after reading LW's comment the tourism of her town is going to fly through the roof. LOL

LOL!  Whip always had a way with words!lol!

 

Hugs Brandie and whine all you want, we understand!  I hear ya about the care for pregnant women.  Here in Florida it is so different from NY.  Somehow to me the obstitricians here are so distant?!  And yeah, my daughter mention that 'cattle' feeling.  Go figure!